i'm really getting familiar with my music again. thank god for summer. really... i literally wake up and just lay in bed all day listening to music. i'm over everything really... i just want to be with me, myself, and i. dont take it personal anyone. i dont feel like talking to anyone... really i don't its kinda sad. but whatevas nig.
for once in my life i'm deciding to be selfish because honestly, sometimes we need to cut the bullshit and focus on ourselves (: and honestly... i just need to learn how to love myself, including my imperfections. just need to get over it all and realize i'm a good person, and i'm taking the baby steps to finding that out. and the more i love myself, the more life is enjoyable... i'm happy with my decisions and i just need to really... understand myself.
I MISS ME.
May 18, 2009
May 17, 2009
whatever
i just want to lay in bed and pretend i dont have a life. i just dont want to do anything but sleep and not think about anything because honestly as each day goes by, im liking myself less and less. i hate it. i haaaateee it so badly and i hate you. i hate how i still get the sickest like panic attacks by merely knowing that you're within the same area. i hate that i cant stand you nor can i handle the situation maturely [i mean i can, but in all reality its just so hard and tolerating and tryna act like its whatevs really seems impossible that im simply just too lazy to put in that much effort], i hate that i think about you, i hate that i dream about you. i hate that in everyway no matter what... i still look for guys with characteristics similar to yours... i hate it. i hate it all. i just hate you.
May 2, 2009
12.28
i should be nice and snug in my bed, but i'm not. bad choice of picking tea... because there's caffine and my pills say to reduce my caffine intake. apparently one pill contains the amount of caffine in four cups of coffee. worst part? i dont even get to exercise or utilize the amount of energy given to me. ive spent the past couple of weeks studying, and avoiding the thought of being alone next year. oh well (: its fine i guess. they say that you have to compromise everything that you get in your life... and i will agree that once you gain, you lose. i don't know. life is just one balancing beam... you can't have it all, and i've learned that... the hard way.
April 18, 2009
footsteps & a new beginning
for the longest time ive questioned myself and everything that has been going on, but as of this morning... well as of last night, i'm feeling better.
i've got something new and i finally appreciate it (:. but really though. i like it... kinda alot! im so sleepy i cant even function properly lol [:
i've got something new and i finally appreciate it (:. but really though. i like it... kinda alot! im so sleepy i cant even function properly lol [:
April 7, 2009
hate me or love me.
yesterday's dilemmas forced me to write...
I guess you could say I'm mildly mature with a hint of my youth still intact. Though my childish side reveals itself most often, I still believe that I am quite the adult and I know that I am proud of myself. True, I act out on emotions. True, I complain when things are unjust. True, I'm probably one of the most vain as well as superficial girls you will ever meet, but aside from all the materialistic things. This is me. Adrienne-Rae Datuin Velasquez. A confused, indecisive, and struggling college student in my past tan skin. I like to read, but unfortunately I lack sufficient free time for me to enjoy any sort of novel. My english teacher lacks motivation to push her students to read. Actually, my school and any of their english classes seem to lack that extra "umph" that makes literature so wonderful. My clothes never fit my body perfectly, but I guess we all have our imperfections, mine is just noticable. I'm easy to please, low maintenance, and independent in a way which only i can understand. As of right now, as I sit on this hard, semi-bronze semi-gold wooden chair, I realize that no one will ever truly understand a person unless they are that person. I go through all of these web posts talking about how odd it is that I'm like this. Talking about me and my daily struggles. How hard it is for me to ...
lost inspiration. urbanoutfitters.com <3
I guess you could say I'm mildly mature with a hint of my youth still intact. Though my childish side reveals itself most often, I still believe that I am quite the adult and I know that I am proud of myself. True, I act out on emotions. True, I complain when things are unjust. True, I'm probably one of the most vain as well as superficial girls you will ever meet, but aside from all the materialistic things. This is me. Adrienne-Rae Datuin Velasquez. A confused, indecisive, and struggling college student in my past tan skin. I like to read, but unfortunately I lack sufficient free time for me to enjoy any sort of novel. My english teacher lacks motivation to push her students to read. Actually, my school and any of their english classes seem to lack that extra "umph" that makes literature so wonderful. My clothes never fit my body perfectly, but I guess we all have our imperfections, mine is just noticable. I'm easy to please, low maintenance, and independent in a way which only i can understand. As of right now, as I sit on this hard, semi-bronze semi-gold wooden chair, I realize that no one will ever truly understand a person unless they are that person. I go through all of these web posts talking about how odd it is that I'm like this. Talking about me and my daily struggles. How hard it is for me to ...
lost inspiration. urbanoutfitters.com <3
March 31, 2009
alot alot alot alot... NOT
Nothing Better - The Postal Service
"Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over..."
honestly what the hell is this shit? here I am again day what? 3? I feel so pathetic, I feel so... I really don't know but I just want to stop feeling because of you. I thought I was fine, I thought I cleaned my plate and went in for a new entree... I guess not and I guess my assumptions lead me to the wrong place. I feel so hopeless, so useless, and pathetic. If I were to listen to a song right now... besides the postal service and their sappy yet emotionally correct songs... it would be Jaded. Whatever, I'm not regressing back to sophomore year, but I just don't understand why the hell I'm still hurt. I really just want it all to be OVER.
March 25, 2009
another day
with sustainable sunlight and the slight breeze in my hair.
another day that leads me to your page
another day where i'm left somewhat puzzled
another day where i try to think about other things, cloud my thoughts and try to focus on my life now
truth is, is that its inevitable to forget the past completely. its difficult and almost impossible to truly forgive and forget and move on. so here i am, left in my dorm room inbetween classes blogging because it bugged me THAT much that i still look at your facebook even though youre worth little to nothing to me. the more i say you don't mean anything and the more i want to push you out of my life, i cant find the will power to do so. why? i guess you played that large of a role and... i cant help but think about my last three years. im strong, i know. i dont have feelings for you, i know... i'm just so... i dont know. i guess no matter how much i try to act nonchalant about it, my ego still hurts, i still try to compensate and look my prettiest because i feel that... i'll never be good enough for anyone. i hate thinking about past occurances, and how badly i hurt... but i just cant help it. maybe you were my first "love" and maybe i can tell myself that to make me feel better and say that all the phases im going through right now are just because im still in slight recovery. i want to tell you that i hate you still... just because i know that im still not over it, or actually i am. i'm just not over the fact that someone i thought had morals would do that. i see my friends left and right getting hurt and go through the same circumstances ive gone through, and i put up a front telling them "hey... it all gets better eventually". yes... eventually it gets better, and i'm just going to keep telling myself that until this eventually disappears and i can say "its better".
so another day with the leaves swaying left and right. Another day with my makeup scattered over my dorm floor. another day where i admit that i'm utterly disappointed in myself and my weak points...
another day that leads me to your page
another day where i'm left somewhat puzzled
another day where i try to think about other things, cloud my thoughts and try to focus on my life now
truth is, is that its inevitable to forget the past completely. its difficult and almost impossible to truly forgive and forget and move on. so here i am, left in my dorm room inbetween classes blogging because it bugged me THAT much that i still look at your facebook even though youre worth little to nothing to me. the more i say you don't mean anything and the more i want to push you out of my life, i cant find the will power to do so. why? i guess you played that large of a role and... i cant help but think about my last three years. im strong, i know. i dont have feelings for you, i know... i'm just so... i dont know. i guess no matter how much i try to act nonchalant about it, my ego still hurts, i still try to compensate and look my prettiest because i feel that... i'll never be good enough for anyone. i hate thinking about past occurances, and how badly i hurt... but i just cant help it. maybe you were my first "love" and maybe i can tell myself that to make me feel better and say that all the phases im going through right now are just because im still in slight recovery. i want to tell you that i hate you still... just because i know that im still not over it, or actually i am. i'm just not over the fact that someone i thought had morals would do that. i see my friends left and right getting hurt and go through the same circumstances ive gone through, and i put up a front telling them "hey... it all gets better eventually". yes... eventually it gets better, and i'm just going to keep telling myself that until this eventually disappears and i can say "its better".
so another day with the leaves swaying left and right. Another day with my makeup scattered over my dorm floor. another day where i admit that i'm utterly disappointed in myself and my weak points...
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