in a rush

It seems as though everytime I'm about to post something that seems slightly odd to me, I always decide to blog at the wrong moment. So before I go off on a tangent -- this topic is about change?

The past few weeks or so I've been getting feedback from other people about the various ways I've changed. The only thing wrong with this feedback is that its inconsistent besides the all too cliche line "You've Changed."

So this takes me back to the feeling I felt over Summer which I hoped to never re-visit. Majority of the people have say that I've become meaner with time, then some say its not bad its just different. Its a trait you just have to get used to.

When speaking of this sudden "change" to a friend of mine, he/she simply responded "don't worry about it" so nonchalant. I'm not exactly sure if I should act so indifferent towards what is happening to me. I always feel like when I get so caught up in having fun I tend to lose myself along with the morals I treasured soo much throughout my years of adolecensy [if thats even a word].

I find myself slipping. A vow to never drink alcohol or even take interest in it has been broken. A vow to never do anything including drugs even if its as mild and "hookah" I broke. I'm just not understanding myself. I don't know if its because I'm curious or because I feel like its something every other high schooler should do. I'm leaning towards that reason though. I feel it is something everyone should experience just once throughout their high school career.

But that's just it. Everything thinks its something you do just once, but in all reality it isn't. Once you do it "once" it gives you the ease and what not to do it again. I mean afterall it wasn't harmful the first time, why not do it again?

So here, I guess this is yet again another turning point in my life, and to be honest, I've only had a million of these this year. I guess the transition into becoming an adult is hitting me harder than I thought. Although I may think I'm "ohhh sooo responsible" I feel like I'm regressing into becoming some immature freshman who believes that high school is all about this and all about that when really... it isn't.

I kinda miss my old self... I'm just not sure how to get me back. True change happens within people and sometimes its something you can't help. I'm not using it as an excuse but altruistically speaking -- I really don't know what I did.

All the surrounding reasons that used to seem logical two weeks ago are hardly logical not to mention insensitive. I feel like an absorbent sponge and I didn't think I was that easily influenced, but I guess I am.

I want everything back and then some, but I can't have everything I want.

I don't know what to do