today i watched

some wongfu production that was a gift for this couple that was about to get married then I suddenly realized, that instead of puking or becoming nauseated over the whole commitment deal... I then actually looked forward to it. The best part about it is that life wouldn't be so bad if I spent the rest of it with Erik. They always tell you not to date anyone you wouldn't see yourself marrying... and as gay or weird as it sounds, I definitely can see myself marrying baby boy Erik B! In fact, I really actually kinda miss him. I guess the summer has opened my eyes to realize that all that crazy bullshit nonsense before was exactly just that. Bullshit nonsense that I really could live without. I don't mind making him jamocha shakes or getting up so I could pour him a glass of orange juice or the fact that he likes to sleep on my boobs because he tells me they're as soft as pillows. It just makes me smile when I think about him, when I think about us... and when I think about what could be. Maybe all those retarded pointless conversations about jumbo hot dogs and regular hot dogs were just a test to see if I really liked him... truth is... that if I didn't I would have just hung up. <3

so.

I couldn't sleep well last night and I was wondering whether it was because I felt uneasy about what had previously happened or because my back was really itchy. Its unfortunate the way things ended, but they ended nontheless and I'm not about to go and try to fix things. Or maybe it was because I had this incessant fear of waking up to some random phonecall having the person on the other end yell the daylights out of themselves. Its fine I guess, because at the end of the day I realize I'm leaving and if it is going to end... might as well be sooner than later when I grow too attached. I sound very heartless, and at the moment I may as well be heartless. I revisited the thought of move-in day (which I've been doing quite often) except this time, I looked to it with great excitement. Its great to have a fresh start with new people. I have high hopes of learning to love what I'm about to do, because as of right now, I find it rather repulsive :(. I'm still rendering the lines of a previous conversation, and I'm still trying to detest everything stated about me. I guess thats why arguements happen though. Because its very apparent that you and the other person involved in the arguement don't see eye to eye. We clearly didn't though, and apparently I'm supposedly a bad person. Maybe I am, but then again I think about it... and I think about it even more and realize that I don't think I'd want to be associated with a person that says I blame everything on everyone else. It's true though, but I mean if thats what its really about then I guess I'll have to get an attitude adjustment as well as better judgement based upon what I'm doing. Another thing, I don't think I'd like to be associated with a person who takes things incredibly over the top, especially with some random comment about "Joe Jonas" and his inability to attract me. I just find this whole friendship arguement unbarably childish. It is though, and I'm to blame for that. I took the cowards way out of it instead of brought it up like a mature adult that I should be, and IMed her? That really shows alot about my personality. After seeing that it was clearly going to be an arguement, damn. I think I'll write to Mr. Jo about this one because I am really seeking help. Its alright, I'm sure within these next handful of weeks I'll realize what I need to fix. Especially with help from Erik and Sean because they seem to have no problem telling me what I'm doing wrong. Though I hate that they're right and I try to deny it, I probably won't next time the subject rolls around. I just don't want another dead friendship, and if I can avoid it by making myself a better friend and altogether better person, I will.

im not going to blog anymore

bye blogger.

i dreamed a dream

So this morning I woke up, sweaty, and really light headed... actually I woke up feeling different again. I slept really late and my dreams were a little unusual I guess you could say. I dreamt of college life and how it would be. It then made me really nostalgic and sad thinking of leaving "home". I don't know why, but I feel like I'm going to miss home made meals and the slightly warm feeling I get when I see my parents come home. That sounds gay, and I never thought I would feel this way but I guess man, I guess.

Moving along with my life I had hopes of thinking people were actually good on the inside. I then realized everyone is pretty fucked up in one way or another. Another thing, I hate you. That's really sad and I never thought I would ever feel this strongly, but I do.

Last night after having a pleasant talk with Ralp & Sean I came to the conclusion that my large double, 17 units, 2 jobs, & a long distance relationship feel so comforting now. To get away from everything else. I'll finally be with people who know what they want in life, who have some sort of sense of direction, as well as fucking I don't know but it sure is a hell of a lot better than what I'm getting at home.

I totally took my post onto a different direction. Well on a lighter note before I get filled w/ a gripload of angst, today was delightful. I spent most of my day looking around ikea.com ; target.com ; & urbanoutfitters.com for cutesy rugs and dorm furniture and what not. I'm so ready to leave, and when I leave I'll be happy if I don't come back.

Then again, I'll be really happy when I come back to see just the few that I love and adore. Those few include Jocey, Ralp, and Sean. There are more but I feel like those three have played a huge role in my life in taming my anger as well as bringing me back down to a calmer state. I love them.

Note To Self:
Don't let bitches make you feel like shit... cause they're bitches. They don't deserve that gratification. The end.

&in the end

I realize things fall into the place just fine. These moodswings are just horrible, but its fine. I'm not exactly why I tell you everything. Maybe its because I realize that all I have to do is type what I feel. I can't hurt you in any way shape or form. It's not like you have a soul, so there it is.

Its a little depressing that I've resorted to an online "blogger" to help me pass time and relieve myself of whatever I'm carrying on my chess. Then I figure its better to blow up on something with no feeling than bottle everything up and screw myself over. I've completely lost my train of thought.

When I think about college, I realize I'm ready to move on. I was talking to Jocelyn when I woke up and she told me that her sister said that after highschool you probably only keep one friend. Then after college you keep just a few, one or two who knows? Then we both somewhat just drowned in a pool of stubborness because we didn't want to accept the fact that "it happens".

But as a result, I feel alot better about it because its true. Previous years I used to cry to Erik, you could ask him. I used to be overly depressed over losing friends, but he would always remind me... "there's reasons why they don't make it to your future." Then Sean bluntly said "You know you'll know that if they just disappear than they really weren't your bestfriends" I responded "That sucks" and he's like "I know but thats all".

So I'm ready to move on, I don't think the whole "losing" people will get to me anymore. I've had my four years dosage of it, I'm mildly immune. That makes me sound cold hearted and unfeeling... but maybe I want to take the easy path this time? It's alright, I'll eventually come back I guess.

Here it is again... yet another phase, another day (and I think I've blogged a million posts this month) and I choose to be apathetic. Erik doesn't like me when I don't care, but it's okay because I care when it comes to him. I guess its just that I don't want to give something my all and get fucked up in the end, because... it really does hurt. It's okay, I still have baby boy by my side!

Since I've been looking so forward to college, I've been surfing the interweb looking for cute furniture; customizing a laptop that is great, cute, and affordable! I have 5 weeks, I better make the msot of it.

Corporately speaking, I love my job. It's only been the second day. I'm not going to lie though... the drive-thru pisses the hell out of me. The beeper is so high pitched and everyone is so antsy. Well... I get my schedule tomorrow. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope that I get thursday off because of Justine's Debut. I get paid next week. I have to automatically dump it into my account. I suck with money handling!

& I still can't shake

that feeling I get whenever her name is brought up or when her name appears on your phone. I can't stand it, its like someone is squeezing my lower back trying to make me explode when I don't want to.

Its sad that you have to consult me to talk to her (though it makes me feel alot better).

I don't understand why it bugs me so much. It bugs me so much that it makes me think of the question or the unthinkable act. I'm such a jealous person, actually I'm not. It's only when it comes to her. This sucks. I don't even mean to be either. I'm trying to be the best person I can be, but the mind is way more powerful than I think. Shits CRAZY! haha.

This sucks. Especially since I have no control over my emotions, I think I'd enjoy the sight of seeing her head mashed into a banana cream pie. I'm horrible. I concluded last night that the only reason why I get unreasonably jealous is because dude... I do dumb things. For instance... how about we not talk about it.

shake it off... gotta do whats best for me baby and that means I gotta shake you off.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT haha.

I cuss alot in this thing, good thing no one reads it. I wish they had that private option. It's sucks that they don't. hmph.

&if it weren't for sean

I would probably be in Santa Monica!

"Life sucks, and you know that. You don't see people in the streets with the cardboard boxes saying "life is wonderful" no, they talk about how life sucks"

I love Sean :) He's probably very annoyed of me because all he hears is how badly everything is. At the first sight of a problem or a weird case of emotional imbalace, you'll find me texting Sean. It's amazing. When I'm having a hard day, my inbox is full of Sean. Let me stop talking about him now, because now I sound like some obsessed freak!

So there it is. Thank you for the bittersweet advice. It was very... bittersweet.

bad mood. pms? no, just bitter.

to the world that never reads this, I really want my period. now.

For some reason, I don't think its PMS anymore... I think I'm just truly disappointed and unsatisfied with my life. I feel like leaving, but not really. I feel like by the time things patch up, I'm not going to be able to enjoy it because well... I'll be gone. My summer has been fairly decent, but as most people say "it could be better". Maybe I have to settle for decent, maybe thats all I deserve right now for acting like a "decent" person. Its true, I'm not reaching out to anyone, and I'm not choosing to confront others, but whatever... I guess. So I decided to write notes on here, without saying who its for exactly so whatever I guess.

It disappoints me how I hint off why I hate boys so much that you don't even notice I'm directing those comments to you. I hate how you said you miss me, but you don't even make an effort to keep in contact with me, so fuck you. The most I've gotten was a dinky myspace comment, woohoo for the finger effort. I guess you're yet another one of those people I knock off of my "best friend" list because you're apparently NOT my best friend anymore. Its so sad, I hope you realize it... better sooner than later. I just really hope you realize it.

I'm leaving too, Aug 25. I'm your friend, or at least I thought I was considered a close friend... now I only feel like an acquaintance so whatever I guess. I'm also very disappointed because I can recall a time you said "I'm so glad I'm not talking to anyone because when I was with so&so I was always with him and I lost all my friends". You made the mistake once, are you really going to make it again? It's a little disheartening when you get really disappointed and I mean I'm there for you but dude it also sucks that you could place us kinda on hold. Why don't I call anymore. It's because I get some excuse for doing something else, and I'm totally fine that you have another life, but damn. I just wish that sometime BEFORE August 25 that you realize why it was unbareably awkward today was because I was sad and frustrated that our friendship is seriously fading away... but fuck it you never reply to my text messages anyways.

&to the one with the millions of excuses when it comes to me. Its no question why I never call you anymore, you apparently don't have time or are just prohibited from hanging out with us/me... so whatever. I used to think we thought somewhat similarly but apparently not. Maybe somewhere down the line after graduation till now, we seriously have split paths. Maybe you're more mature or maybe you just find enjoyment in other things that I find retarded. Maybe we're like magnets that no matter how close we try to get, we repell each other in the end anyways. Maybe I turn everyone else against me, but I always try before I give up.

I'M SO BITTER. FUCK.

`cus if you jump

I will jump too,
we will fall together from the buildings ledge,
never looking back at what we've done,
we'll say it was love...


It seems that I've still been having these major moodswings, I'm here still waiting impatiently for "that time of the month" to come and hit me. I had my official first day of work yesterday, and it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, I did screw up once but by the end of the night my icecream scooping skills had improved by a large amount. My co-workers are really chill and stuff, I like the working environment (minus the fact that its unbarably slow) haha. I don't know what else to type, wow... my life sucks haha!

hm...

I'm confused again, but less than before because I know what I want this time. I think the only reason why I feel this way is because I sympathize for the other one. Well... whatever I guess, I knew where that was heading. Do you want to know where? No where, so its fine.

Summer Lovin`
Havin` a BLAST

Not really, but I will admit I am pretty stoked about my BR job even if I'm working from 1-10. That's a really long shift. Whatever. Wow I sound sooooo eloquent. SWEET. just kidding.

I really don't feel like speaking all nice and whatevelrkeshkjgfl... WHY CANT I STOP THINKING ABOUT _____ ... THIS IS STUPID. whatever. I HATE PEOPLE.

third times a charm

<33333

I love my boyfriend. This will add onto yet another one of my weird phases I go through. Thankfully today relieved me of my "dfkghdkjfh I'M SO CONFUSED". I realize that we can genuinely have fun doing nothing together. It was great, I like doing nothing together better than watching some retarded movie. I'm craving chipotle.

UGH

honestly

the WORST case

of pms I have
ever
experienced.

FUCK YOU HORMONES!

D: what tha ?

& I layed there with all the possible reasons why it should work
...but its doesn't

At least I've found some sort of positive way to go about how I feel. I work out... incessantly, constantly, too much. My stomach hasn't been shriking in size and neither has my self-conciousness. But to think more positively my amount was $5,468 which included tuition and housing but did not include my cal grant. My cal grant award is 9,708 so I'm pretty stoked! I don't have much to pay, until it reaches the final end I realize I still have loans to pay off, but the loans aren't much at all. Thankfully I was awarded to work-study loan... but I'm still reconsidering because I have a job at 3rd st waiting. Hmmmm... what to do what to do... ?

whats my favorite word? biii...

I just posted up yesterday's post because my internet was down. Today has been a little better.

Actually, its been alot better

considering that I am now officially a baskin robbins employee, and I start working next week. I feel alot more productive and better of myself. As I embark onto a new journey [oh god... what the hell am I saying]. Cutting the shit, I'm pretty damn happy that I have a job. Why? Because I'm going to earn money, or in more modern terms "git that papuh".

I don't feel like blogging.

why I hate summer

I think its in my blood to do something remotely productive, but in the summer (unlike most teenagers) I find myself regressing into some sort of couch potato. I tried to compensate for this sloth-like characteristic by making a daily trip to the gym, but as I looked into the mirror last night... apparently the pain of each sore morning is gaining me absolutely nothing. I'm just slightly disappointed but I guess it takes a while for my muscles to sculpt.

Other than my physical being, I find myself having alot more time to think. Seeing that I already overthink practically anything and everything, I go insane. I find myself pondering questions that I normally wouldn't ponder and I find my indecisive mind fall into an even deeper level of confusion as well as uncertainty. I find that I'm not happy with some things one day and the next day, if I feel like it, I change my mind and I guess that's cool? Not really, especially when I blurt practically my whole life to everyone I know, close or not. I'm cursed with a mouth that won't shutup. I realize that I act on impulse as well, I don't think that characteristics like that are hereditary, but if they are then... well I blame my mother.

Why do I hate the summer? I hate the summer because I find myself drifting away from people I considered "close". As gay as this sounds, I kinda regret having a debut [not just for the expenses] but because when you have a debut, its usually filled with people you consider life impacting, usually the people you feel will still play a role in your life [debut practices or not]. But as a result, post-debut I feel left out. I take part in the blame for that one. True, I guess I've veered off into other groups; my priorities may have changed a bit but damn... I didn't think I had altered myself that much that I wasn't considered worthy. Then I conclude that the summer is fucking me over and that I wouldn't normally think like this. I have too much time on my hands.

I don't understand the concept of summer anyways, the sun is great... don't get me wrong... but what the hell do we accomplish by letting people out for the summer. I guess people need a break from work, but I don't know. I just don't find it beneficial for anyone, then again I think I'm just bitter.

The past twelve years I've spent summer sulking at home with re-runs and cholesterol/transfat packed food simply because my parents alone have no time to take a break to spend with me. I may have enjoyed gaining weight [not really], but as I think back on it... vacations never made me improve myself. I go through multiple phases at which I just kill myself to get through because every little thing is supposedly "significant". Its not.

For example, if you read my previous posts, I rant on about how much I love life. Soon after than I go into this state where I say I'm sick of going out. Then I say I'm drifting from my friends, quickly after I say that I'm maturing. I just dont understand myself. When guys say that girls are complicating... I agree. I need a vacation to get my mind off of things.

Maybe I should take it upon myself to just travel alone, that would be fun. I enjoy sight seeing alone. NOT. I can imagine it now... lonely in some foreign place. My mulitple lingo self will socialize with everyone. Just kidding, I have no idea how to speak anything but english. I will fall in love with some amazingly gorgeous low class worker who doesn't understand english at all. Then we'll have to go through that whole thing like they did in loveactually where he will propose to me. Just kidding, lets be realistic here. I'm never going to travel alone to some foreign place without a "how to speak _______ for dummies" let alone travel with me myself and only I.

So here I am again, and here I will find myself next year and the following years to come. I'm one pessimistic asshole who honestly needs more things to fill out her day. I wonder how I'm going to be by the time I'm fidyfyyyve. I need a job. I hate people.

By the way -- when I said I was proud of myself. Scratch that, my bed of doom has caused me to think differently. My mind is so tangled... its not fun.

(:

It's like God heard me and decided to lift the weight off my shoulders.

I thought the 4th of July was going to be a bust, simply because there were a trillion things going on and, lets face it, gas is the priciest thing since disneyland tickets! Well... yesterday I woke up pretty late (around 11:30?) and decided to eat, because that's what I do. From there, my parents decided to go and get their nails done.

Yes parent(s). Plural. Both of them. Weird? Tell me about it.

I had a difficult time deciding whether I wanted french tips, cappucino, or "garnet red" so I asked my friends and they went with the bold red. I'm not exactly the most both though, and I kinda regret picking red because now my fingers look like there are cherries on them :). Then my parents proposed that I cook? So I gathered up all the ingrediants at the store looking forward to experimenting and what not. Got home and got changed and went off to Erik's house knowing that I should only stay for about an hour or two because well... I had to cook dinner. His cousins were friendly but the tension between us was making me uneasy. Hah, my awkwardness almost sparked up yet another arguement, but we avoided it (fortunately). It hit about 5ish so I decided to head home because... I had to cook. When I reached my humble abode my parents had already marinated ribs and chicken and cooked corn and pretty much everything I could ever imagine. I started to pull out the noodles so I could boil them for my shrimp fettucini but when my parents saw me they told me "Oh, just cook tomorrow".

Sweet! I rushed home to not do anything, how exciting. So I kept myself busy by cleaning my room, trying on makeup, and trying out different outfits. It was mildly pathetic but I guess its okay. I ate some BBQ and agreed to hang out with Erik & his cousins at diamond plaza for some delicious crepes. After finishing my MSMC documents [they're due next week D:!] I recieved a phonecall from Erik saying he would pick me up, which I found completely unnecessary since I could drive. So he picked me up and I had a delightful car ride with his cousins talking about ebonics and how Erik's going to end up talking like a major brah next summer after UCSD is done with him. Reached diamond plaza only to find that Genki Living was closed... in desperation we decided to walk to kiwiberri since they wanted something sweet & cold but once we had walked into the plaza... it was closed. So our last resort was TenRen's which wasn't so bad. I got the peach greentea and it was satisfying excluding the bitter aftertaste, but the sweetness of the peach flavor made up for it.

We sat outside and we were able to see a few fireworks going off from... only God knows where. It was really enjoyable since their cousinly bond is so strong and they have really interesting stories about... well... I won't get into that. They decided to head back to Erik's and asked me to come along... so we had to stop by my house so I could pick up the car to drive home later on. This was the only reason why I figured I didn't need to be picked up in the first place, but its alright. We sat around his living room and told jokes. My cheeks hurt really badly by the end of the night since we all couldn't stop laughing. I heard a really good joke from Nam, I'm going to steal it for now til I find a good joke of my own. I arrived home around 1:30 and did my nightly ritual then basically knocked out.

Justin texted me to go to Denny's at 3 in the morning, but I didn't read that until 11:25 today :). Then Danny asked me to go running and I keep declining since I'm always remotely busy. I haven't gone to the gym yet so I should probably head over there because I feel pudge growing from my dad's delicious BBQ.

but to veer off onto what I did mentally...

I finally figured out what I need to do, and I guess it wasn't that hard to decide. I don't know what else to say actually so I'll leave this post with the statement that...

I am really proud of myself.

ugh.

There are so many thoughts in my head right now, but the one pissing me off the most is why everything seems to be so complicating. I'm not even kidding anymore. I dislike the fact that well... I don't even know what I want to major in. I dislike the fact that I don't even know where my relationship is heading. I dislike the fact that I don't know what the hell is going on between my parents, because to be completely honest... they're making it difficult to adjust. Do I live with one, do I live with both. I don't know, its not like I can flip a coin a see. I hate how I think one thing, but my hearts telling me another. I hate how my brain and heart conflict. I hate how I hate everything... even though I don't.

what the hell do I want?

Apparently I can't even answer that because all that's laid out on the table make it so hard for me to choose. The more I put up with all the complications the more complex all the complications become and in all honesty, its not what I need. Its like brain overload. Life is just throwing all these fastballs at me and I have no breaks to step on. Whatever... I should go and die now.

I thought I was mature... I'm not.