why I hate summer

I think its in my blood to do something remotely productive, but in the summer (unlike most teenagers) I find myself regressing into some sort of couch potato. I tried to compensate for this sloth-like characteristic by making a daily trip to the gym, but as I looked into the mirror last night... apparently the pain of each sore morning is gaining me absolutely nothing. I'm just slightly disappointed but I guess it takes a while for my muscles to sculpt.

Other than my physical being, I find myself having alot more time to think. Seeing that I already overthink practically anything and everything, I go insane. I find myself pondering questions that I normally wouldn't ponder and I find my indecisive mind fall into an even deeper level of confusion as well as uncertainty. I find that I'm not happy with some things one day and the next day, if I feel like it, I change my mind and I guess that's cool? Not really, especially when I blurt practically my whole life to everyone I know, close or not. I'm cursed with a mouth that won't shutup. I realize that I act on impulse as well, I don't think that characteristics like that are hereditary, but if they are then... well I blame my mother.

Why do I hate the summer? I hate the summer because I find myself drifting away from people I considered "close". As gay as this sounds, I kinda regret having a debut [not just for the expenses] but because when you have a debut, its usually filled with people you consider life impacting, usually the people you feel will still play a role in your life [debut practices or not]. But as a result, post-debut I feel left out. I take part in the blame for that one. True, I guess I've veered off into other groups; my priorities may have changed a bit but damn... I didn't think I had altered myself that much that I wasn't considered worthy. Then I conclude that the summer is fucking me over and that I wouldn't normally think like this. I have too much time on my hands.

I don't understand the concept of summer anyways, the sun is great... don't get me wrong... but what the hell do we accomplish by letting people out for the summer. I guess people need a break from work, but I don't know. I just don't find it beneficial for anyone, then again I think I'm just bitter.

The past twelve years I've spent summer sulking at home with re-runs and cholesterol/transfat packed food simply because my parents alone have no time to take a break to spend with me. I may have enjoyed gaining weight [not really], but as I think back on it... vacations never made me improve myself. I go through multiple phases at which I just kill myself to get through because every little thing is supposedly "significant". Its not.

For example, if you read my previous posts, I rant on about how much I love life. Soon after than I go into this state where I say I'm sick of going out. Then I say I'm drifting from my friends, quickly after I say that I'm maturing. I just dont understand myself. When guys say that girls are complicating... I agree. I need a vacation to get my mind off of things.

Maybe I should take it upon myself to just travel alone, that would be fun. I enjoy sight seeing alone. NOT. I can imagine it now... lonely in some foreign place. My mulitple lingo self will socialize with everyone. Just kidding, I have no idea how to speak anything but english. I will fall in love with some amazingly gorgeous low class worker who doesn't understand english at all. Then we'll have to go through that whole thing like they did in loveactually where he will propose to me. Just kidding, lets be realistic here. I'm never going to travel alone to some foreign place without a "how to speak _______ for dummies" let alone travel with me myself and only I.

So here I am again, and here I will find myself next year and the following years to come. I'm one pessimistic asshole who honestly needs more things to fill out her day. I wonder how I'm going to be by the time I'm fidyfyyyve. I need a job. I hate people.

By the way -- when I said I was proud of myself. Scratch that, my bed of doom has caused me to think differently. My mind is so tangled... its not fun.