well... I guess you can call it compromise

So what do I do...

I guess when you love a person you go through a whole lot of shit to make it happen that you kinda forget about yourself in the process. So how's it going ladies?

Yes, he reassures you that you're his one and only and he loves you well... "more intensely" than anyone. Yes, he calls you every night to say goodnight, tries to stay up because he feels like he should. Yes, he visits you before he goes home because he knows you want to be seen...

& yes, I know I'm a little out of line when I think about these things, and its all I can really think about when things bug me.

But when you're sitting in your room thinking about how excited he gets when he talks about another girl, you can't help but feel all weird inside. So maybe this is where I go wrong, but you wish you saw him get as excited talking about you than he did her. You wonder if he talks about you as much as he talks about her... [because when he talked to you, she took up almost 75%-95% of the conversation]. You wonder why he isn't as happy as he is with you then he seems to be with her. So in your head you start to assume that maybe you aren't the one for him, or maybe he isn't the one for you.

You long to be that bestfriend that he seriously tells everything to. You see everyone out there and how they always say that well you're my lover and my bestfriend, you can't help but be jealous and wonder why. I find myself sitting again in my room staring at my phone wondering who I'm supposed to talk to... my "boyfriend" or my "best guy friend" and the fact that I am torn inbetween the two kinda worries me.

Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe I'm menstrual, maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed... but its just this lingering problem, and no matter how much I try to "get over it" I can't. It's not that I want to be, and it's not like I'm stubborn, but it's just something that I honestly can't get. I can't grasp why kjfgyliurdhglkj ugh.

I just wonder sometimes if boys realize what they do, and how their actions make their girlfriends feel. I wonder if sometimes they forget that we have emotions and that, yes... we are sensitive. & I wonder why us girls put in so much work and end up getting the shitty end of the stick.

... but maybe I'm just another one of those girls.

pensive+contrasting = eyebags

Pensive: deeply or seriously thoughtful

Seriously? Who lies in their bed at 4:20 thinking... ? I gues I'll have to admit that I'm a little dramatic, not good. Well... by the end of today everyone will finally be off of school... meaning... non-stop hangouts forever! Breaks don't count until everyone you want to be on break is on break. Yay for best friend jocelyn and sean, yay for cute christmas decorations, and yay for me being a girl with too much time on her hands.

Contrast: the opposition or dissimilarity of things that are compared.

What makes two people clique, and what makes kinship different than a relationship. Its a little strange how rules of friendship differ from that of a relationship. Its weird how we find ourselves able to continue on with random conversations with say... your guy friend, but it seems remotely difficult to find something that you and your significant other may take interest in.

You find yourself responding differently, one more concerned and the other jokingly... but still concerned. I compared the two and well... it baffles me that I can easily spend an hour taking to sean sonza on the phone if I felt like calling him. Though most of our conversations consist of "I hate you" and "you're the worst" its still a lot more natural than... "so how was your day" blahblahblah. I find myself talking like one of those old geezers that never want their grandchildren to play outside because they don't want them to get hurt.

Then here I find myself thinking deeper... well maybe less. Like im thinking deeper so I can trick myself into not thinking soo much in the future... catch my drift? Im guessing a scraped knee wouldn't hurt too bad, or maybe a bruised arm. I should just let it go.. I mean hey "it builds character" right? I guess what gets me everytime is that... I feel when two people are together, they should clique as friends still and share passion as lovers. I thought that well there wasn't that much of a difference other than well 1. You're definitely more affectionate with and 2. I don't know... I think that was the only difference.

I remember when I built a wall once, and was too afraid to break it. I guess I never broke it... I prolly just chipped off a couple of stones and someone called the contractor to patch it up. I think its back again, I think I've regressed in this aspect of myself and I know im definitely not proud of it. I guess im not really ready for a relationship. I honestly don't think im that mature enough to handle it, or maybe through the whole college transition I've become a little too mature... yknow after seeing the million couples at school. P.S. Boyfriends of the mount girls, stop visiting your girlfriends unexpectedly with a bouquet of pretty pink/red roses. The romantic thing died along with my sensitivity. Jokejokejoke... you guys just make me sad because my boyfriend is 2 hours away. Its cool.

I seriously need more things to fill out my day.

&night

before i hit the books

i was walking to my dorm today and i notice that i have the tendency to narrarate my life. i act like i'm in a movie, when i'm not. its okay though because well... :) no one hears me but me. everything is written and the sentence structures are so awkward. finals are definitely scaring me, and i don't know whether to cry or to be more motivated... and i understand that i should be motivated.,.. but oh my god is all just so overwhelming. i guess that's all i have to say.

i wish i had more time to write, but since college has started, i feel like i'm so pressed for time... all the time.

happy.

p.s. I love you.