in a rush

It seems as though everytime I'm about to post something that seems slightly odd to me, I always decide to blog at the wrong moment. So before I go off on a tangent -- this topic is about change?

The past few weeks or so I've been getting feedback from other people about the various ways I've changed. The only thing wrong with this feedback is that its inconsistent besides the all too cliche line "You've Changed."

So this takes me back to the feeling I felt over Summer which I hoped to never re-visit. Majority of the people have say that I've become meaner with time, then some say its not bad its just different. Its a trait you just have to get used to.

When speaking of this sudden "change" to a friend of mine, he/she simply responded "don't worry about it" so nonchalant. I'm not exactly sure if I should act so indifferent towards what is happening to me. I always feel like when I get so caught up in having fun I tend to lose myself along with the morals I treasured soo much throughout my years of adolecensy [if thats even a word].

I find myself slipping. A vow to never drink alcohol or even take interest in it has been broken. A vow to never do anything including drugs even if its as mild and "hookah" I broke. I'm just not understanding myself. I don't know if its because I'm curious or because I feel like its something every other high schooler should do. I'm leaning towards that reason though. I feel it is something everyone should experience just once throughout their high school career.

But that's just it. Everything thinks its something you do just once, but in all reality it isn't. Once you do it "once" it gives you the ease and what not to do it again. I mean afterall it wasn't harmful the first time, why not do it again?

So here, I guess this is yet again another turning point in my life, and to be honest, I've only had a million of these this year. I guess the transition into becoming an adult is hitting me harder than I thought. Although I may think I'm "ohhh sooo responsible" I feel like I'm regressing into becoming some immature freshman who believes that high school is all about this and all about that when really... it isn't.

I kinda miss my old self... I'm just not sure how to get me back. True change happens within people and sometimes its something you can't help. I'm not using it as an excuse but altruistically speaking -- I really don't know what I did.

All the surrounding reasons that used to seem logical two weeks ago are hardly logical not to mention insensitive. I feel like an absorbent sponge and I didn't think I was that easily influenced, but I guess I am.

I want everything back and then some, but I can't have everything I want.

I don't know what to do

hmmmph

=\

and so...

It is nearing the end of my last high school spring break. Conclusion? Great :). Starting Friday April Fourth till Today, April Twelfth! Surprisingly, we never got sick of each other. I guess that's what makes it fun, is the fact that we always enjoy each others company :]. I don't know though... well I have prom tomorrow so I better rest up! Night Nights <3

mars & venus

I firmly believe that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and we completely speak two different languages. Does it not occur to boys that when girls see other girls get asked to something, whether it be a dance or to be their girlfriend, they fuse up with jealousy! At least I do for the most part. Its only clearly evident that I would like to be treated at least somewhat special throughout my whole high school career. Once you're out of high school, there are no events to swoon your girlfriend with. You can't put up a huge sign saying "Prom?" After high school you can't have hopes that your class is jealous that your boyfriend did that for you and you can't have boys get mad at your boyfriend because all the girls are complaining that they never do those cutesy things like that.

So here I am with the rest of the unfortunate girlfriends out there. The last dance of the year, and sadly, no cutesy act what so ever. I've recently come to the realization that my most favors "act of love" is recieving gifts and acts of service. It is only obvious. That's what is wrong with me though, I don't tell him what I want him to do. I assume that he'll do it for me because I do that for him. He enjoys quality time, I enjoy surprises! He absolutely loathes service.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm whining and complaining about my relationship because its ... decent. I'm just mad at what I never get. Bah!

Well stearing clear of bitterness, I love spring break, besides being jealous.


The End.

core four

& at the end of the year all I need are a set of good friends,
luckily I've got the best.

hellooo there :D

well today was my birthday and currently still is my birthday, and i must say that this has byfar been the best birthday celebration i've had in years. tomorrow im still going to celebrate my birthday with my family and i still have my debut! its like a birthday month! hahaha. well anyways, i want to write everything that happened today because it was just so fun. i hope tonight will never erase from my memory and i dont want to take tonight for granted because it was just so fun. anyways, last night was kinda sad, then the last 30 minutes of me being seventeen erik serenaded me :) it was thuper duper cute. then he greeted my happy birthday along with many others including gen stef twin steph etcccc :D haha so i woke up in the morning and put on whateva clothes and went to escuela. sadly i was late but its okay, no use in being put down. i went looking all around campus during passing period for twin, danny voss, so i could give him his cake! he got me one too. its super b-e-a-yooteefull! haha, he said he just had to buy it. then during lunch sheena delivered these supah cute balloons for me :] and and they sung happy birthday to me in first period enrichment and also during lunch time i was really sad because i thought everyone left me on my birthday !!! GAY haha. anyways, stef told me to walk with her! and so i did and well we went to mj. jo's room because stef said she needed to pick something up and when i walked in the roomw as dark and they turned on the lights and there was a poster marissa made that said happy birthday rae :D and there were balloons and each of the guys gave me one and and then gen and stef gave me this super duper cute cake and card! and and thennnn yeah so after escuela we hung out at my house then went to go get dollar boba but we didnt, but we bumped into deejae and she bought me ice cream!!! with a candle in it and and she sang me happy birthday and it made me realllyyyy happy! then me and sean went to "CHOWNS" house and played wii for ever and it was ridiculously fun. then i thought i was going to run late and then danny bought me scratchers. oh yeah and i had to make reservations and i was like okay can i make it for 23 people can i change that to 21 then switch that to 25 oh wait can you make it 30 oh can you add one more table? oh yeah ummm hahahahaha so we went from 20-36 people! it was uber fun! anyways me and danny got these cute pizookies and i challeged him to a pizza eating contest which im totally going to win because im going to train myself to eat alot hahahahahahahahh :[ yeah right. anyways yeah and derek and brenden serenaded me and derek proposed to me hahahahah! so cute and man today was just really fun oh yeah and it was so cute because teddy showed up just cause he said he would and he didnt even eat. he just went to be there :D !!! ahhh anyways today was the best birthday ever even though erik wasnt there itsk! omgahd kjghdkfjhgljh and i loved it and i love all of my friends and i wish i could replay this whole day over again because it was only the best day ever!