&now that i finally have my own car

I seem to be running out of time all over the place. Yesterday I woke up and realized my health document deadline was well... today so I called my doctor immediately and luckily they still had an opening at 4:00 p.m. so I played a couple rounds of combat arms and skiddadled over. What I wasn't expecting was to take 3 shots. HORRIBLE! haha one for mengcola some sort of bacteria that kills you instantly. IDK my doctor knows whats best for me. I also found out I have a mild case of scoliosis and thats why I'm all nice and curvy on one side and shaped less curvaceous on the other side. I just thought I cheated myself when I went to the gym. Well I hung out with Erik, picked up his glasses, went to yoshinoya, and lastly went to his house to help him wash Yvonne. I finally went back to the gym yesterday. They were serving subway there, but I figured I came to the gym to workout and not to eat. I decided to take cycling class because people made it seem so hardcore, and it truly is. I did meet a guy named Jack though. He was really nice, helped me adjust my bike and also asked how I was doing throughout the whole session. He's hardcore and stuck it out the whole time! When I got home I had a nice bowl of filipino food and sat on the couch w/ my pops! It was nice, then I had a sudden urge to play combat arms so it was pretty much awesome. Well that is pretty much all. I love life, and I love everything else. I don't love my love handles so lets burn those calories.

btw -- I really want to go to NY haha. Steven said if I was single, he would take me. baahahahaha We both laughed and he said I would never be single :)

today i watched

some wongfu production that was a gift for this couple that was about to get married then I suddenly realized, that instead of puking or becoming nauseated over the whole commitment deal... I then actually looked forward to it. The best part about it is that life wouldn't be so bad if I spent the rest of it with Erik. They always tell you not to date anyone you wouldn't see yourself marrying... and as gay or weird as it sounds, I definitely can see myself marrying baby boy Erik B! In fact, I really actually kinda miss him. I guess the summer has opened my eyes to realize that all that crazy bullshit nonsense before was exactly just that. Bullshit nonsense that I really could live without. I don't mind making him jamocha shakes or getting up so I could pour him a glass of orange juice or the fact that he likes to sleep on my boobs because he tells me they're as soft as pillows. It just makes me smile when I think about him, when I think about us... and when I think about what could be. Maybe all those retarded pointless conversations about jumbo hot dogs and regular hot dogs were just a test to see if I really liked him... truth is... that if I didn't I would have just hung up. <3

so.

I couldn't sleep well last night and I was wondering whether it was because I felt uneasy about what had previously happened or because my back was really itchy. Its unfortunate the way things ended, but they ended nontheless and I'm not about to go and try to fix things. Or maybe it was because I had this incessant fear of waking up to some random phonecall having the person on the other end yell the daylights out of themselves. Its fine I guess, because at the end of the day I realize I'm leaving and if it is going to end... might as well be sooner than later when I grow too attached. I sound very heartless, and at the moment I may as well be heartless. I revisited the thought of move-in day (which I've been doing quite often) except this time, I looked to it with great excitement. Its great to have a fresh start with new people. I have high hopes of learning to love what I'm about to do, because as of right now, I find it rather repulsive :(. I'm still rendering the lines of a previous conversation, and I'm still trying to detest everything stated about me. I guess thats why arguements happen though. Because its very apparent that you and the other person involved in the arguement don't see eye to eye. We clearly didn't though, and apparently I'm supposedly a bad person. Maybe I am, but then again I think about it... and I think about it even more and realize that I don't think I'd want to be associated with a person that says I blame everything on everyone else. It's true though, but I mean if thats what its really about then I guess I'll have to get an attitude adjustment as well as better judgement based upon what I'm doing. Another thing, I don't think I'd like to be associated with a person who takes things incredibly over the top, especially with some random comment about "Joe Jonas" and his inability to attract me. I just find this whole friendship arguement unbarably childish. It is though, and I'm to blame for that. I took the cowards way out of it instead of brought it up like a mature adult that I should be, and IMed her? That really shows alot about my personality. After seeing that it was clearly going to be an arguement, damn. I think I'll write to Mr. Jo about this one because I am really seeking help. Its alright, I'm sure within these next handful of weeks I'll realize what I need to fix. Especially with help from Erik and Sean because they seem to have no problem telling me what I'm doing wrong. Though I hate that they're right and I try to deny it, I probably won't next time the subject rolls around. I just don't want another dead friendship, and if I can avoid it by making myself a better friend and altogether better person, I will.

im not going to blog anymore

bye blogger.

i dreamed a dream

So this morning I woke up, sweaty, and really light headed... actually I woke up feeling different again. I slept really late and my dreams were a little unusual I guess you could say. I dreamt of college life and how it would be. It then made me really nostalgic and sad thinking of leaving "home". I don't know why, but I feel like I'm going to miss home made meals and the slightly warm feeling I get when I see my parents come home. That sounds gay, and I never thought I would feel this way but I guess man, I guess.

Moving along with my life I had hopes of thinking people were actually good on the inside. I then realized everyone is pretty fucked up in one way or another. Another thing, I hate you. That's really sad and I never thought I would ever feel this strongly, but I do.

Last night after having a pleasant talk with Ralp & Sean I came to the conclusion that my large double, 17 units, 2 jobs, & a long distance relationship feel so comforting now. To get away from everything else. I'll finally be with people who know what they want in life, who have some sort of sense of direction, as well as fucking I don't know but it sure is a hell of a lot better than what I'm getting at home.

I totally took my post onto a different direction. Well on a lighter note before I get filled w/ a gripload of angst, today was delightful. I spent most of my day looking around ikea.com ; target.com ; & urbanoutfitters.com for cutesy rugs and dorm furniture and what not. I'm so ready to leave, and when I leave I'll be happy if I don't come back.

Then again, I'll be really happy when I come back to see just the few that I love and adore. Those few include Jocey, Ralp, and Sean. There are more but I feel like those three have played a huge role in my life in taming my anger as well as bringing me back down to a calmer state. I love them.

Note To Self:
Don't let bitches make you feel like shit... cause they're bitches. They don't deserve that gratification. The end.

&in the end

I realize things fall into the place just fine. These moodswings are just horrible, but its fine. I'm not exactly why I tell you everything. Maybe its because I realize that all I have to do is type what I feel. I can't hurt you in any way shape or form. It's not like you have a soul, so there it is.

Its a little depressing that I've resorted to an online "blogger" to help me pass time and relieve myself of whatever I'm carrying on my chess. Then I figure its better to blow up on something with no feeling than bottle everything up and screw myself over. I've completely lost my train of thought.

When I think about college, I realize I'm ready to move on. I was talking to Jocelyn when I woke up and she told me that her sister said that after highschool you probably only keep one friend. Then after college you keep just a few, one or two who knows? Then we both somewhat just drowned in a pool of stubborness because we didn't want to accept the fact that "it happens".

But as a result, I feel alot better about it because its true. Previous years I used to cry to Erik, you could ask him. I used to be overly depressed over losing friends, but he would always remind me... "there's reasons why they don't make it to your future." Then Sean bluntly said "You know you'll know that if they just disappear than they really weren't your bestfriends" I responded "That sucks" and he's like "I know but thats all".

So I'm ready to move on, I don't think the whole "losing" people will get to me anymore. I've had my four years dosage of it, I'm mildly immune. That makes me sound cold hearted and unfeeling... but maybe I want to take the easy path this time? It's alright, I'll eventually come back I guess.

Here it is again... yet another phase, another day (and I think I've blogged a million posts this month) and I choose to be apathetic. Erik doesn't like me when I don't care, but it's okay because I care when it comes to him. I guess its just that I don't want to give something my all and get fucked up in the end, because... it really does hurt. It's okay, I still have baby boy by my side!

Since I've been looking so forward to college, I've been surfing the interweb looking for cute furniture; customizing a laptop that is great, cute, and affordable! I have 5 weeks, I better make the msot of it.

Corporately speaking, I love my job. It's only been the second day. I'm not going to lie though... the drive-thru pisses the hell out of me. The beeper is so high pitched and everyone is so antsy. Well... I get my schedule tomorrow. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope that I get thursday off because of Justine's Debut. I get paid next week. I have to automatically dump it into my account. I suck with money handling!

& I still can't shake

that feeling I get whenever her name is brought up or when her name appears on your phone. I can't stand it, its like someone is squeezing my lower back trying to make me explode when I don't want to.

Its sad that you have to consult me to talk to her (though it makes me feel alot better).

I don't understand why it bugs me so much. It bugs me so much that it makes me think of the question or the unthinkable act. I'm such a jealous person, actually I'm not. It's only when it comes to her. This sucks. I don't even mean to be either. I'm trying to be the best person I can be, but the mind is way more powerful than I think. Shits CRAZY! haha.

This sucks. Especially since I have no control over my emotions, I think I'd enjoy the sight of seeing her head mashed into a banana cream pie. I'm horrible. I concluded last night that the only reason why I get unreasonably jealous is because dude... I do dumb things. For instance... how about we not talk about it.

shake it off... gotta do whats best for me baby and that means I gotta shake you off.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT haha.

I cuss alot in this thing, good thing no one reads it. I wish they had that private option. It's sucks that they don't. hmph.