well... I guess you can call it compromise

So what do I do...

I guess when you love a person you go through a whole lot of shit to make it happen that you kinda forget about yourself in the process. So how's it going ladies?

Yes, he reassures you that you're his one and only and he loves you well... "more intensely" than anyone. Yes, he calls you every night to say goodnight, tries to stay up because he feels like he should. Yes, he visits you before he goes home because he knows you want to be seen...

& yes, I know I'm a little out of line when I think about these things, and its all I can really think about when things bug me.

But when you're sitting in your room thinking about how excited he gets when he talks about another girl, you can't help but feel all weird inside. So maybe this is where I go wrong, but you wish you saw him get as excited talking about you than he did her. You wonder if he talks about you as much as he talks about her... [because when he talked to you, she took up almost 75%-95% of the conversation]. You wonder why he isn't as happy as he is with you then he seems to be with her. So in your head you start to assume that maybe you aren't the one for him, or maybe he isn't the one for you.

You long to be that bestfriend that he seriously tells everything to. You see everyone out there and how they always say that well you're my lover and my bestfriend, you can't help but be jealous and wonder why. I find myself sitting again in my room staring at my phone wondering who I'm supposed to talk to... my "boyfriend" or my "best guy friend" and the fact that I am torn inbetween the two kinda worries me.

Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe I'm menstrual, maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed... but its just this lingering problem, and no matter how much I try to "get over it" I can't. It's not that I want to be, and it's not like I'm stubborn, but it's just something that I honestly can't get. I can't grasp why kjfgyliurdhglkj ugh.

I just wonder sometimes if boys realize what they do, and how their actions make their girlfriends feel. I wonder if sometimes they forget that we have emotions and that, yes... we are sensitive. & I wonder why us girls put in so much work and end up getting the shitty end of the stick.

... but maybe I'm just another one of those girls.

pensive+contrasting = eyebags

Pensive: deeply or seriously thoughtful

Seriously? Who lies in their bed at 4:20 thinking... ? I gues I'll have to admit that I'm a little dramatic, not good. Well... by the end of today everyone will finally be off of school... meaning... non-stop hangouts forever! Breaks don't count until everyone you want to be on break is on break. Yay for best friend jocelyn and sean, yay for cute christmas decorations, and yay for me being a girl with too much time on her hands.

Contrast: the opposition or dissimilarity of things that are compared.

What makes two people clique, and what makes kinship different than a relationship. Its a little strange how rules of friendship differ from that of a relationship. Its weird how we find ourselves able to continue on with random conversations with say... your guy friend, but it seems remotely difficult to find something that you and your significant other may take interest in.

You find yourself responding differently, one more concerned and the other jokingly... but still concerned. I compared the two and well... it baffles me that I can easily spend an hour taking to sean sonza on the phone if I felt like calling him. Though most of our conversations consist of "I hate you" and "you're the worst" its still a lot more natural than... "so how was your day" blahblahblah. I find myself talking like one of those old geezers that never want their grandchildren to play outside because they don't want them to get hurt.

Then here I find myself thinking deeper... well maybe less. Like im thinking deeper so I can trick myself into not thinking soo much in the future... catch my drift? Im guessing a scraped knee wouldn't hurt too bad, or maybe a bruised arm. I should just let it go.. I mean hey "it builds character" right? I guess what gets me everytime is that... I feel when two people are together, they should clique as friends still and share passion as lovers. I thought that well there wasn't that much of a difference other than well 1. You're definitely more affectionate with and 2. I don't know... I think that was the only difference.

I remember when I built a wall once, and was too afraid to break it. I guess I never broke it... I prolly just chipped off a couple of stones and someone called the contractor to patch it up. I think its back again, I think I've regressed in this aspect of myself and I know im definitely not proud of it. I guess im not really ready for a relationship. I honestly don't think im that mature enough to handle it, or maybe through the whole college transition I've become a little too mature... yknow after seeing the million couples at school. P.S. Boyfriends of the mount girls, stop visiting your girlfriends unexpectedly with a bouquet of pretty pink/red roses. The romantic thing died along with my sensitivity. Jokejokejoke... you guys just make me sad because my boyfriend is 2 hours away. Its cool.

I seriously need more things to fill out my day.

&night

before i hit the books

i was walking to my dorm today and i notice that i have the tendency to narrarate my life. i act like i'm in a movie, when i'm not. its okay though because well... :) no one hears me but me. everything is written and the sentence structures are so awkward. finals are definitely scaring me, and i don't know whether to cry or to be more motivated... and i understand that i should be motivated.,.. but oh my god is all just so overwhelming. i guess that's all i have to say.

i wish i had more time to write, but since college has started, i feel like i'm so pressed for time... all the time.

happy.

p.s. I love you.

&it all starts

As you're sitting in your car tuning into your preferred radio station, you hear it all happen. The people on the streets wear smiles like they wear their underwear, which is of course, all the time. The houses seem warmer, and the love that radiates off your parents is so abundant, you can't help but giggle inside.

It all just makes me wonder why it can't be like this year round. I don't think we take the time to appreciate everyone. Its a little disheartening to think about how we take everyone for granted. A few friends of mine gathered in a little room, and we realized how much we regret not appreciating what our parents do for us. I thought about how lucky I was to have them, how they pamper me when I come home, and how in the end... I tell them I don't have the time to call them everyday just to say "hello". It disappoints me and makes me feel so dirty inside. I guess I know what my new years resolution is going to be this coming January 1st.

Going off on a tangent, school isn't exactly what I pictured it to be. Yes, I knew it wouldn't be anything like high school and the piece of cake classes, but I also didn't expect it to be so hard that I study excessively to receive a D's & F's. Challenging? Tell me about it. I know I shouldn't compare my burdens and hassles and stresses to the other people and their majors, but I feel... like seriously... I've entered a different world at which its impossible to party. It's impossible to get enough sleep, its impossible to fit any of your oh so treasured leisures into your academically packed life. The midterms pile up, the assignments, and the stress that well... you honestly can't just breathe. I will admit however, that I haven't worked as hard as I should be. I'm working hard, but I know I have the ability to work even harder, to achieve better grades, and I really don't know.

I guess I'll end with
I'm a slacker, and though I feel like I should do more. I don't, and it's disappointing, but I realize now that I appreciate the beauty of things. I appreciate life more... and I love it.

:[

I can't stop drowning in a pool of self-pity. I don't understand why I do this to myself. I listen to depressing songs consecutively, it brings me down soo much. I feel like crying, but in all honesty... I have nothing to cry about. I guess I just feel a little deprived of some lovin! I guess I feel a little neglected. Then again, it could just be because Beyonce's new video makes me want to cry everytime I watch it. Its so depressing how high my insecurity level is.

Love me, Hate me, please Help me.

P.S.
I'm the MF queen of costume creating. :] I pulled all of my scarves/shawls from previous dances and I'm going to be an arabian dancer kinda :] wdup hoes? :]

&it has recently occured to me

That being an adult really does take alot of effort and time. I realize now that there isn't enough time in one day to do all you can. I always thought my parents were lazy or just straight up horrible at time managament, but now that I'm in college... its just to hard to cover all the bases. I can feel myself aging, no more all nighters and still having energy at the end of the day. No more bending down w/out having my knees hurt, and the funny part about this whole blog is that I make myself out to sound like I'm in my mid thirties when I've barely passed 18.5.

On a lighter note, I'm really enjoying the whole college experience. Dorming, meal plans, living in l.a., just everything about it is pretty cool. It's nice depending on me myself and only I for the 5 out of the 7 days a week. Though I haven't exactly talked to my parents nor put any effort into calling them to tell them how I've been, I actually find myself missing them at the end of the day... not really but I start to miss them whenever we seperate.

I feel like a child and yet I feel like I'm so old. I guess its just when you compare yourself to different parties. This whole thing is getting a little too complicated for my liking, and I have lab in twenty minutes so I won't go into complex details.

The past two-three nights I haven't been sleeping well due to my odd imagination. It screws me over and tricks me into thinking that I'm somehow being watched, that some supernatural being is just following me and forcing me to stay up. Whatever.

This friday is the homecoming game and as of right now I'm crossing my fingers hoping that I still fit into my cheer uniform because I'm not going to lie, I've been gaining weight. I don't have time to work out, and I guess I'm trying to compensate for that by eating healthy but nontheless I'm unable to maintain a certain weight or well lose weight because in all honesty all I do is eat and sit to study.

Speaking of eating, last night Jocelyn, Sam, and myself decided to take a trip to yoshinoya. Though the setting or the actual store was a little ont he sketchy side, we were able to enjoy a nice bowl of meat and rice. I have fucking lab so i'll blog later <3

and in the event of all of this college busy body lifestyle

I guess I'll document what it actually feels like to be a freshman yet again. So here it goes. It actually isn't different at all from high school, minus the multiple assignments, the dismissal bell, or the parental notes for excused absences. It's all the same, you study to get a good grade, show up so the teacher doesn't hate you, and be as sociable as you can so you aren't considered a "loser".

as childish as it sounds, it really is a "highschool part duex". the people are
different, you got that right, but the rest of it isn't. i will admit however, that the environment is alot more calm and peaceful.

what gets to me, is at the end of the day... while sitting in my dorm room, trying to memorize all the possible prefixes and suffixes of anatomy... i can't help but think about home and all the people i miss. I can't help but thing about how it was like when I was there. I miss everyone, but I remember that all I wanted to do was move on with my life.

I guess I'm remotely homesick. No... I just miss my friends a great deal.

&now that i finally have my own car

I seem to be running out of time all over the place. Yesterday I woke up and realized my health document deadline was well... today so I called my doctor immediately and luckily they still had an opening at 4:00 p.m. so I played a couple rounds of combat arms and skiddadled over. What I wasn't expecting was to take 3 shots. HORRIBLE! haha one for mengcola some sort of bacteria that kills you instantly. IDK my doctor knows whats best for me. I also found out I have a mild case of scoliosis and thats why I'm all nice and curvy on one side and shaped less curvaceous on the other side. I just thought I cheated myself when I went to the gym. Well I hung out with Erik, picked up his glasses, went to yoshinoya, and lastly went to his house to help him wash Yvonne. I finally went back to the gym yesterday. They were serving subway there, but I figured I came to the gym to workout and not to eat. I decided to take cycling class because people made it seem so hardcore, and it truly is. I did meet a guy named Jack though. He was really nice, helped me adjust my bike and also asked how I was doing throughout the whole session. He's hardcore and stuck it out the whole time! When I got home I had a nice bowl of filipino food and sat on the couch w/ my pops! It was nice, then I had a sudden urge to play combat arms so it was pretty much awesome. Well that is pretty much all. I love life, and I love everything else. I don't love my love handles so lets burn those calories.

btw -- I really want to go to NY haha. Steven said if I was single, he would take me. baahahahaha We both laughed and he said I would never be single :)

today i watched

some wongfu production that was a gift for this couple that was about to get married then I suddenly realized, that instead of puking or becoming nauseated over the whole commitment deal... I then actually looked forward to it. The best part about it is that life wouldn't be so bad if I spent the rest of it with Erik. They always tell you not to date anyone you wouldn't see yourself marrying... and as gay or weird as it sounds, I definitely can see myself marrying baby boy Erik B! In fact, I really actually kinda miss him. I guess the summer has opened my eyes to realize that all that crazy bullshit nonsense before was exactly just that. Bullshit nonsense that I really could live without. I don't mind making him jamocha shakes or getting up so I could pour him a glass of orange juice or the fact that he likes to sleep on my boobs because he tells me they're as soft as pillows. It just makes me smile when I think about him, when I think about us... and when I think about what could be. Maybe all those retarded pointless conversations about jumbo hot dogs and regular hot dogs were just a test to see if I really liked him... truth is... that if I didn't I would have just hung up. <3

so.

I couldn't sleep well last night and I was wondering whether it was because I felt uneasy about what had previously happened or because my back was really itchy. Its unfortunate the way things ended, but they ended nontheless and I'm not about to go and try to fix things. Or maybe it was because I had this incessant fear of waking up to some random phonecall having the person on the other end yell the daylights out of themselves. Its fine I guess, because at the end of the day I realize I'm leaving and if it is going to end... might as well be sooner than later when I grow too attached. I sound very heartless, and at the moment I may as well be heartless. I revisited the thought of move-in day (which I've been doing quite often) except this time, I looked to it with great excitement. Its great to have a fresh start with new people. I have high hopes of learning to love what I'm about to do, because as of right now, I find it rather repulsive :(. I'm still rendering the lines of a previous conversation, and I'm still trying to detest everything stated about me. I guess thats why arguements happen though. Because its very apparent that you and the other person involved in the arguement don't see eye to eye. We clearly didn't though, and apparently I'm supposedly a bad person. Maybe I am, but then again I think about it... and I think about it even more and realize that I don't think I'd want to be associated with a person that says I blame everything on everyone else. It's true though, but I mean if thats what its really about then I guess I'll have to get an attitude adjustment as well as better judgement based upon what I'm doing. Another thing, I don't think I'd like to be associated with a person who takes things incredibly over the top, especially with some random comment about "Joe Jonas" and his inability to attract me. I just find this whole friendship arguement unbarably childish. It is though, and I'm to blame for that. I took the cowards way out of it instead of brought it up like a mature adult that I should be, and IMed her? That really shows alot about my personality. After seeing that it was clearly going to be an arguement, damn. I think I'll write to Mr. Jo about this one because I am really seeking help. Its alright, I'm sure within these next handful of weeks I'll realize what I need to fix. Especially with help from Erik and Sean because they seem to have no problem telling me what I'm doing wrong. Though I hate that they're right and I try to deny it, I probably won't next time the subject rolls around. I just don't want another dead friendship, and if I can avoid it by making myself a better friend and altogether better person, I will.

im not going to blog anymore

bye blogger.

i dreamed a dream

So this morning I woke up, sweaty, and really light headed... actually I woke up feeling different again. I slept really late and my dreams were a little unusual I guess you could say. I dreamt of college life and how it would be. It then made me really nostalgic and sad thinking of leaving "home". I don't know why, but I feel like I'm going to miss home made meals and the slightly warm feeling I get when I see my parents come home. That sounds gay, and I never thought I would feel this way but I guess man, I guess.

Moving along with my life I had hopes of thinking people were actually good on the inside. I then realized everyone is pretty fucked up in one way or another. Another thing, I hate you. That's really sad and I never thought I would ever feel this strongly, but I do.

Last night after having a pleasant talk with Ralp & Sean I came to the conclusion that my large double, 17 units, 2 jobs, & a long distance relationship feel so comforting now. To get away from everything else. I'll finally be with people who know what they want in life, who have some sort of sense of direction, as well as fucking I don't know but it sure is a hell of a lot better than what I'm getting at home.

I totally took my post onto a different direction. Well on a lighter note before I get filled w/ a gripload of angst, today was delightful. I spent most of my day looking around ikea.com ; target.com ; & urbanoutfitters.com for cutesy rugs and dorm furniture and what not. I'm so ready to leave, and when I leave I'll be happy if I don't come back.

Then again, I'll be really happy when I come back to see just the few that I love and adore. Those few include Jocey, Ralp, and Sean. There are more but I feel like those three have played a huge role in my life in taming my anger as well as bringing me back down to a calmer state. I love them.

Note To Self:
Don't let bitches make you feel like shit... cause they're bitches. They don't deserve that gratification. The end.

&in the end

I realize things fall into the place just fine. These moodswings are just horrible, but its fine. I'm not exactly why I tell you everything. Maybe its because I realize that all I have to do is type what I feel. I can't hurt you in any way shape or form. It's not like you have a soul, so there it is.

Its a little depressing that I've resorted to an online "blogger" to help me pass time and relieve myself of whatever I'm carrying on my chess. Then I figure its better to blow up on something with no feeling than bottle everything up and screw myself over. I've completely lost my train of thought.

When I think about college, I realize I'm ready to move on. I was talking to Jocelyn when I woke up and she told me that her sister said that after highschool you probably only keep one friend. Then after college you keep just a few, one or two who knows? Then we both somewhat just drowned in a pool of stubborness because we didn't want to accept the fact that "it happens".

But as a result, I feel alot better about it because its true. Previous years I used to cry to Erik, you could ask him. I used to be overly depressed over losing friends, but he would always remind me... "there's reasons why they don't make it to your future." Then Sean bluntly said "You know you'll know that if they just disappear than they really weren't your bestfriends" I responded "That sucks" and he's like "I know but thats all".

So I'm ready to move on, I don't think the whole "losing" people will get to me anymore. I've had my four years dosage of it, I'm mildly immune. That makes me sound cold hearted and unfeeling... but maybe I want to take the easy path this time? It's alright, I'll eventually come back I guess.

Here it is again... yet another phase, another day (and I think I've blogged a million posts this month) and I choose to be apathetic. Erik doesn't like me when I don't care, but it's okay because I care when it comes to him. I guess its just that I don't want to give something my all and get fucked up in the end, because... it really does hurt. It's okay, I still have baby boy by my side!

Since I've been looking so forward to college, I've been surfing the interweb looking for cute furniture; customizing a laptop that is great, cute, and affordable! I have 5 weeks, I better make the msot of it.

Corporately speaking, I love my job. It's only been the second day. I'm not going to lie though... the drive-thru pisses the hell out of me. The beeper is so high pitched and everyone is so antsy. Well... I get my schedule tomorrow. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope that I get thursday off because of Justine's Debut. I get paid next week. I have to automatically dump it into my account. I suck with money handling!

& I still can't shake

that feeling I get whenever her name is brought up or when her name appears on your phone. I can't stand it, its like someone is squeezing my lower back trying to make me explode when I don't want to.

Its sad that you have to consult me to talk to her (though it makes me feel alot better).

I don't understand why it bugs me so much. It bugs me so much that it makes me think of the question or the unthinkable act. I'm such a jealous person, actually I'm not. It's only when it comes to her. This sucks. I don't even mean to be either. I'm trying to be the best person I can be, but the mind is way more powerful than I think. Shits CRAZY! haha.

This sucks. Especially since I have no control over my emotions, I think I'd enjoy the sight of seeing her head mashed into a banana cream pie. I'm horrible. I concluded last night that the only reason why I get unreasonably jealous is because dude... I do dumb things. For instance... how about we not talk about it.

shake it off... gotta do whats best for me baby and that means I gotta shake you off.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT haha.

I cuss alot in this thing, good thing no one reads it. I wish they had that private option. It's sucks that they don't. hmph.

&if it weren't for sean

I would probably be in Santa Monica!

"Life sucks, and you know that. You don't see people in the streets with the cardboard boxes saying "life is wonderful" no, they talk about how life sucks"

I love Sean :) He's probably very annoyed of me because all he hears is how badly everything is. At the first sight of a problem or a weird case of emotional imbalace, you'll find me texting Sean. It's amazing. When I'm having a hard day, my inbox is full of Sean. Let me stop talking about him now, because now I sound like some obsessed freak!

So there it is. Thank you for the bittersweet advice. It was very... bittersweet.

bad mood. pms? no, just bitter.

to the world that never reads this, I really want my period. now.

For some reason, I don't think its PMS anymore... I think I'm just truly disappointed and unsatisfied with my life. I feel like leaving, but not really. I feel like by the time things patch up, I'm not going to be able to enjoy it because well... I'll be gone. My summer has been fairly decent, but as most people say "it could be better". Maybe I have to settle for decent, maybe thats all I deserve right now for acting like a "decent" person. Its true, I'm not reaching out to anyone, and I'm not choosing to confront others, but whatever... I guess. So I decided to write notes on here, without saying who its for exactly so whatever I guess.

It disappoints me how I hint off why I hate boys so much that you don't even notice I'm directing those comments to you. I hate how you said you miss me, but you don't even make an effort to keep in contact with me, so fuck you. The most I've gotten was a dinky myspace comment, woohoo for the finger effort. I guess you're yet another one of those people I knock off of my "best friend" list because you're apparently NOT my best friend anymore. Its so sad, I hope you realize it... better sooner than later. I just really hope you realize it.

I'm leaving too, Aug 25. I'm your friend, or at least I thought I was considered a close friend... now I only feel like an acquaintance so whatever I guess. I'm also very disappointed because I can recall a time you said "I'm so glad I'm not talking to anyone because when I was with so&so I was always with him and I lost all my friends". You made the mistake once, are you really going to make it again? It's a little disheartening when you get really disappointed and I mean I'm there for you but dude it also sucks that you could place us kinda on hold. Why don't I call anymore. It's because I get some excuse for doing something else, and I'm totally fine that you have another life, but damn. I just wish that sometime BEFORE August 25 that you realize why it was unbareably awkward today was because I was sad and frustrated that our friendship is seriously fading away... but fuck it you never reply to my text messages anyways.

&to the one with the millions of excuses when it comes to me. Its no question why I never call you anymore, you apparently don't have time or are just prohibited from hanging out with us/me... so whatever. I used to think we thought somewhat similarly but apparently not. Maybe somewhere down the line after graduation till now, we seriously have split paths. Maybe you're more mature or maybe you just find enjoyment in other things that I find retarded. Maybe we're like magnets that no matter how close we try to get, we repell each other in the end anyways. Maybe I turn everyone else against me, but I always try before I give up.

I'M SO BITTER. FUCK.

`cus if you jump

I will jump too,
we will fall together from the buildings ledge,
never looking back at what we've done,
we'll say it was love...


It seems that I've still been having these major moodswings, I'm here still waiting impatiently for "that time of the month" to come and hit me. I had my official first day of work yesterday, and it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, I did screw up once but by the end of the night my icecream scooping skills had improved by a large amount. My co-workers are really chill and stuff, I like the working environment (minus the fact that its unbarably slow) haha. I don't know what else to type, wow... my life sucks haha!

hm...

I'm confused again, but less than before because I know what I want this time. I think the only reason why I feel this way is because I sympathize for the other one. Well... whatever I guess, I knew where that was heading. Do you want to know where? No where, so its fine.

Summer Lovin`
Havin` a BLAST

Not really, but I will admit I am pretty stoked about my BR job even if I'm working from 1-10. That's a really long shift. Whatever. Wow I sound sooooo eloquent. SWEET. just kidding.

I really don't feel like speaking all nice and whatevelrkeshkjgfl... WHY CANT I STOP THINKING ABOUT _____ ... THIS IS STUPID. whatever. I HATE PEOPLE.

third times a charm

<33333

I love my boyfriend. This will add onto yet another one of my weird phases I go through. Thankfully today relieved me of my "dfkghdkjfh I'M SO CONFUSED". I realize that we can genuinely have fun doing nothing together. It was great, I like doing nothing together better than watching some retarded movie. I'm craving chipotle.

UGH

honestly

the WORST case

of pms I have
ever
experienced.

FUCK YOU HORMONES!

D: what tha ?

& I layed there with all the possible reasons why it should work
...but its doesn't

At least I've found some sort of positive way to go about how I feel. I work out... incessantly, constantly, too much. My stomach hasn't been shriking in size and neither has my self-conciousness. But to think more positively my amount was $5,468 which included tuition and housing but did not include my cal grant. My cal grant award is 9,708 so I'm pretty stoked! I don't have much to pay, until it reaches the final end I realize I still have loans to pay off, but the loans aren't much at all. Thankfully I was awarded to work-study loan... but I'm still reconsidering because I have a job at 3rd st waiting. Hmmmm... what to do what to do... ?

whats my favorite word? biii...

I just posted up yesterday's post because my internet was down. Today has been a little better.

Actually, its been alot better

considering that I am now officially a baskin robbins employee, and I start working next week. I feel alot more productive and better of myself. As I embark onto a new journey [oh god... what the hell am I saying]. Cutting the shit, I'm pretty damn happy that I have a job. Why? Because I'm going to earn money, or in more modern terms "git that papuh".

I don't feel like blogging.

why I hate summer

I think its in my blood to do something remotely productive, but in the summer (unlike most teenagers) I find myself regressing into some sort of couch potato. I tried to compensate for this sloth-like characteristic by making a daily trip to the gym, but as I looked into the mirror last night... apparently the pain of each sore morning is gaining me absolutely nothing. I'm just slightly disappointed but I guess it takes a while for my muscles to sculpt.

Other than my physical being, I find myself having alot more time to think. Seeing that I already overthink practically anything and everything, I go insane. I find myself pondering questions that I normally wouldn't ponder and I find my indecisive mind fall into an even deeper level of confusion as well as uncertainty. I find that I'm not happy with some things one day and the next day, if I feel like it, I change my mind and I guess that's cool? Not really, especially when I blurt practically my whole life to everyone I know, close or not. I'm cursed with a mouth that won't shutup. I realize that I act on impulse as well, I don't think that characteristics like that are hereditary, but if they are then... well I blame my mother.

Why do I hate the summer? I hate the summer because I find myself drifting away from people I considered "close". As gay as this sounds, I kinda regret having a debut [not just for the expenses] but because when you have a debut, its usually filled with people you consider life impacting, usually the people you feel will still play a role in your life [debut practices or not]. But as a result, post-debut I feel left out. I take part in the blame for that one. True, I guess I've veered off into other groups; my priorities may have changed a bit but damn... I didn't think I had altered myself that much that I wasn't considered worthy. Then I conclude that the summer is fucking me over and that I wouldn't normally think like this. I have too much time on my hands.

I don't understand the concept of summer anyways, the sun is great... don't get me wrong... but what the hell do we accomplish by letting people out for the summer. I guess people need a break from work, but I don't know. I just don't find it beneficial for anyone, then again I think I'm just bitter.

The past twelve years I've spent summer sulking at home with re-runs and cholesterol/transfat packed food simply because my parents alone have no time to take a break to spend with me. I may have enjoyed gaining weight [not really], but as I think back on it... vacations never made me improve myself. I go through multiple phases at which I just kill myself to get through because every little thing is supposedly "significant". Its not.

For example, if you read my previous posts, I rant on about how much I love life. Soon after than I go into this state where I say I'm sick of going out. Then I say I'm drifting from my friends, quickly after I say that I'm maturing. I just dont understand myself. When guys say that girls are complicating... I agree. I need a vacation to get my mind off of things.

Maybe I should take it upon myself to just travel alone, that would be fun. I enjoy sight seeing alone. NOT. I can imagine it now... lonely in some foreign place. My mulitple lingo self will socialize with everyone. Just kidding, I have no idea how to speak anything but english. I will fall in love with some amazingly gorgeous low class worker who doesn't understand english at all. Then we'll have to go through that whole thing like they did in loveactually where he will propose to me. Just kidding, lets be realistic here. I'm never going to travel alone to some foreign place without a "how to speak _______ for dummies" let alone travel with me myself and only I.

So here I am again, and here I will find myself next year and the following years to come. I'm one pessimistic asshole who honestly needs more things to fill out her day. I wonder how I'm going to be by the time I'm fidyfyyyve. I need a job. I hate people.

By the way -- when I said I was proud of myself. Scratch that, my bed of doom has caused me to think differently. My mind is so tangled... its not fun.

(:

It's like God heard me and decided to lift the weight off my shoulders.

I thought the 4th of July was going to be a bust, simply because there were a trillion things going on and, lets face it, gas is the priciest thing since disneyland tickets! Well... yesterday I woke up pretty late (around 11:30?) and decided to eat, because that's what I do. From there, my parents decided to go and get their nails done.

Yes parent(s). Plural. Both of them. Weird? Tell me about it.

I had a difficult time deciding whether I wanted french tips, cappucino, or "garnet red" so I asked my friends and they went with the bold red. I'm not exactly the most both though, and I kinda regret picking red because now my fingers look like there are cherries on them :). Then my parents proposed that I cook? So I gathered up all the ingrediants at the store looking forward to experimenting and what not. Got home and got changed and went off to Erik's house knowing that I should only stay for about an hour or two because well... I had to cook dinner. His cousins were friendly but the tension between us was making me uneasy. Hah, my awkwardness almost sparked up yet another arguement, but we avoided it (fortunately). It hit about 5ish so I decided to head home because... I had to cook. When I reached my humble abode my parents had already marinated ribs and chicken and cooked corn and pretty much everything I could ever imagine. I started to pull out the noodles so I could boil them for my shrimp fettucini but when my parents saw me they told me "Oh, just cook tomorrow".

Sweet! I rushed home to not do anything, how exciting. So I kept myself busy by cleaning my room, trying on makeup, and trying out different outfits. It was mildly pathetic but I guess its okay. I ate some BBQ and agreed to hang out with Erik & his cousins at diamond plaza for some delicious crepes. After finishing my MSMC documents [they're due next week D:!] I recieved a phonecall from Erik saying he would pick me up, which I found completely unnecessary since I could drive. So he picked me up and I had a delightful car ride with his cousins talking about ebonics and how Erik's going to end up talking like a major brah next summer after UCSD is done with him. Reached diamond plaza only to find that Genki Living was closed... in desperation we decided to walk to kiwiberri since they wanted something sweet & cold but once we had walked into the plaza... it was closed. So our last resort was TenRen's which wasn't so bad. I got the peach greentea and it was satisfying excluding the bitter aftertaste, but the sweetness of the peach flavor made up for it.

We sat outside and we were able to see a few fireworks going off from... only God knows where. It was really enjoyable since their cousinly bond is so strong and they have really interesting stories about... well... I won't get into that. They decided to head back to Erik's and asked me to come along... so we had to stop by my house so I could pick up the car to drive home later on. This was the only reason why I figured I didn't need to be picked up in the first place, but its alright. We sat around his living room and told jokes. My cheeks hurt really badly by the end of the night since we all couldn't stop laughing. I heard a really good joke from Nam, I'm going to steal it for now til I find a good joke of my own. I arrived home around 1:30 and did my nightly ritual then basically knocked out.

Justin texted me to go to Denny's at 3 in the morning, but I didn't read that until 11:25 today :). Then Danny asked me to go running and I keep declining since I'm always remotely busy. I haven't gone to the gym yet so I should probably head over there because I feel pudge growing from my dad's delicious BBQ.

but to veer off onto what I did mentally...

I finally figured out what I need to do, and I guess it wasn't that hard to decide. I don't know what else to say actually so I'll leave this post with the statement that...

I am really proud of myself.

ugh.

There are so many thoughts in my head right now, but the one pissing me off the most is why everything seems to be so complicating. I'm not even kidding anymore. I dislike the fact that well... I don't even know what I want to major in. I dislike the fact that I don't even know where my relationship is heading. I dislike the fact that I don't know what the hell is going on between my parents, because to be completely honest... they're making it difficult to adjust. Do I live with one, do I live with both. I don't know, its not like I can flip a coin a see. I hate how I think one thing, but my hearts telling me another. I hate how my brain and heart conflict. I hate how I hate everything... even though I don't.

what the hell do I want?

Apparently I can't even answer that because all that's laid out on the table make it so hard for me to choose. The more I put up with all the complications the more complex all the complications become and in all honesty, its not what I need. Its like brain overload. Life is just throwing all these fastballs at me and I have no breaks to step on. Whatever... I should go and die now.

I thought I was mature... I'm not.

:/ from zee sidekick

Amazing, I wonder how this is going to turn out. I love luckycharms and I took jons and seanys advice to eat a bowl. I figure it might help these weird headaches. Im done eating my cereal and im going to wake up at 8 to run so goodnight

hm...

my boyfriend is in san diego or on his way back for the most part. I quit my job and am applying for a million more just because the whole "marketing" or selling "high quality" knives is not for me. I guess this weekend is going to be another weekend with my mom since shes emotionally unstable. its a little heartbreaking when i hear her but anyways...

me: "gibberish blahbladhflshd... anyways"
erik: "anyways isn't a word"
me: "ANYWAYS"
erik: "I swear, you can look it up in the dictionary"
me: "I failed my grammar section for the placement test by 2 pts"
erik: "That's why you need me to teach you proper english"
me: "gross... ANYWAYS"

I miss my boyfriend. We practically lived together for the past week and a half. HE'S GOING TO NY AND KOREA, oh man I'm going to be lonely. My period is here, byebye PMS :)

hmm...

i hate being premenstrual just because i go through these psychotic mood swings. i think they're stupid, and the worst part is i can't control them. how annoying right? i'm really pessimistic, i think its time i adjusted my attitude and outlook on life. sarcasm is not the way, even if its fun haha. i have a pain in my right hand, its throbbing... gross. well thats all :) i bought a journal to write in so i should probably vent out to that. after all it did cost me fidy cents. haha crazy cheap right? geez i'm retarded.

AWKWARD.

What disappoints me the most
is that I'm the main focus in all my posts

Today while moving my body to the beat, I noticed I'm awkward. Not just awkward while trying to start up a conversation, or the way I carry myself, but awkward as in awkward. I overthink things too much at which it leads me to think everything is awkward therefore I feel very awkward.

On a brighter note:
Today was surprisingly "fun". I actually hung out with my mother. I guess this whole seperation thing is falling through even better than I presumed it would. Don't get me wrong, it sucks having my mom's presence absent at a place I guess I would call "home" but it is alot more peaceful. I can sleep at night (excluding tonight because the computer sucks and I'm not exhausted). I don't really know why I'm blogging either. I guess I'll go and attempt to fall asleep... big day tomorrow!

MSMC!

Placement testing was so awkward. I really felt like a freshman all over again, it was kinda pathetic. Anyways I got my scores in today... and I suck at life. I scored a 21 in math, meaning I move onto the highest math level next year. I'm pretty stoked. Unfortunately I scored a 112 on my Vocab and Reading comprehension [thats passing] BUUUUT I scored a 30 on grammar... when the cutoff was 32. I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I really do need to start reading again. I took a break from Franny and Zooey. I figure I should buy more books just to improve my speaking as well as writing. This sucks. I think I'll go die now.

and ive never been soo...

ecstatic about graduating
all the graduation practices, the idea of special "senior" treatment makes me feel better inside. I feel like i've finally fulfilled all I had to as a high school pupil and I don't think there is anything I have really "missed out" on. There's this overwhelming joy growing inside and college has never looked so appealing. I think I'm ready for something new. Tomorrow is really unpredictable, I really don't know how I'm going to feel but I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be anything horrible. On a brighter note I finally scored myself an interview. I guess my application is a looker, it makes me feel really happy inside. Hopefully I actually score a job, but if I don't its cool. At least I got past step uno, it boosted up my confidence a little :]

irresponsible

irresponsible
unreliable
spontaneous
unstable

there aren't enough adjectives in the human vocabulary to sum up how shitty my parents make me feel. I can't stand the fact that I'm such a hassle, that I honestly don't do anything besides take care of everything I must and in the end I'm just another responsiblity that they don't want to take care of when I am practically liable for every single fucking thing in my life. I handle so much and I don't the the credit I deserve therefor I am not lying when I say I just can't wait to leave. i can't wait to get away from this insanely dysfunctional family that doesn't know how to handle things. This dysfunctional family that blames me for shit when I really haven't done anything but work. I'm so pissed of I can't stand this right now and I feel really bad because I htink i'd ruining the movie for them. In spite of the moment I don't think I've ever been so disappointed. I really haven't done much, and maybe I am spoiled, its just I don't understand why I'm such a hassle to my parents. It seems the little things I ask for are just too much, even if its as simple as getting picked up to get a ride home. Yesterday I was extremely heated to the fact that my parents never follow through with their plans and they just let it go.

MY PARENTS ARE SO UNREASONABLE
AND IF I NAG ABOUT SOMETHING
ITS WITH IN REASON
ITS BECAUSE ITS PRETTY DAMN IMPORTANT
AND MY PARENTS DON'T REALIZE HOW FUCKING PRACTICAL I AM.
WOW

highschool

end

and I'm not making up some bullshit writing to try to sound somewhat profound, eloquent, or of intellect. In all honesty, I'm really sad. I feel like theres a deep gaping hole just getting deeper as the change the numbers of our senior count down. I feel depressed, I feel nervous, and I feel like time just went to fast and I don't think I've moved on with it. I've regressed, I know it. All the maturing and "accepting" I seemed to have gained over the summer has disappeared. I'm not ready to move on with my life and all of these sappy farewells don't make me feel any better. Closure isn't great, I don't want to feel like a chapter in my life is closing. I don't want to move on to big and better things because really the big and better things are just bundles of responsibility I do not want to deal with. I wanted to leave highschool for the fact that I needed people to clique with. Now that I think deeper into it, I'm not ready to step out of my comfort zone.

WOW. AMAZING. I'M NOT PISSED OFF AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
I SO DO NOT WANT TO BLOW UP AND LEAVE.
I DO THINK LIFE IS FAIR.

YES I FUCKING LOVE LIFE AND ALL OF THE JUSTICE IN IT.
I LOVE WORKING AND NOT GETTING CREDIT FOR IT.
COOOOOOL... FUCK MY PARENTS.

10:58

Eriks in the Grand Canyon so... I'm not waiting for his usual goodnight phone call.

I missed GG, I'm pretty devastated... not gonna lie. Its probably the only thing I look forward to on Monday nights, or Mondays in general.

My rooms clean for the most part, and in all honesty, my room is hardly ever clean. That's sad to say especially since I'm a girl. Not trying to stereotype by gender, but my dad pretty much drilled that into my head since I was a fetus.

My dog fucked up my lamp and now I can't plug it in because she chewed the life out of it. I liked the lamp too. It was so... cheap looking. Haha.

I finally got my I.D. card in the mail, I don't have to carry my dinky passport with me anymore. That was gay :)

PC banquet was today. Good thing I didn't cry. Kudos and a pat on the back to me because I'm one hell of a trooper.

I really have no more words left to say other than my mom said she will miss me. Fuck you guys, I have a great momma :]

question.

so he asked me...
excited for next year?

and usually with this a person responds "yes, I'm quite delighted" minus the delighted part. So there I was sinking into my seat, embarassed that I actually had to consider what I was. Now here I am approximately 4 hours later taking pictures of what I'll miss.


The mirror I have to look at, at least once before I leave my house. Just to make sure my hair is in place, and if it isn't... well then I can fix it!


My teenybopper door covered in magazine pages because it used to be "cool".



My ugly walls filled with God knows what.


My pathetic attempt to paint a "self-portrait". Shut up.


MY tiny flight of stairs that make my knees squeak sometimes :[


I just like how it turned out


My babyyy and jocey and justin too I guess :)


& This is my new love :)
well 4 months new...? haha
She's cute right?

excuse #54582543

I ditched school again
But that's nothing new.

What is new is my recent experiences. I feel like I'm growing up more and more each day. Isn't that cute? But I've realized that the only thing I talk about in these blogs are me changing, realizing, growing, and I don't even know but they're useless... which brings me to the conclusion that this blog is nothing but pure bullshit because I end up going around in a circle all my life.

Think about it, when you blog is because something life altering has occurred, so you write. You then live life and then you realize something else, so you blog. Then life goes on and whatever, you blog. The nyou go back to your previous posts and what not and realize that you've only posted the same shit over 4 times, I mean at least I have. Seriously every single post is all too redundant its sickening.

So I figure I should probably switch it up, the only thing is, is that I'm incapable. I lack the ability to do so. Why? Cause I'm too vanilla, my flavors just a little bland. I'm the cake thats been overdone. Whatever, I used to life writing about my life, now I find it pointless.

[insert witty title here]

I've been listening to Mickey Avalon's all time favorite "My Dick" and I think I finally find it mildly humorous. I get this feeling my uncle has the urge to kick me off the computer, but he's not going to :) because I'm a brat and I get what I want. Yeeeee. Earlier today my dearly beloved mother asked me how much dolladollabills I had, sadly I came to the realization that I've spent 1,700 in the past month. Lets calculate.

$225 - tubby
$300 - new phone
$250 - springbreeaaak lovin
$150 - sadies/clothes
$175 - food [ omg ): ]
$100 - pichas
$171 - prom tickets
$112 - party bus
$30 - classic black heels

the 200 I left out in the calculation goes to I don't even know but I spent it. I'm a little disappointed in myself and my poor spending habits. Its okay, I'll learn the value of a dollar sometime, even though its value continues to decrease everyday. That's also remotely depressing; America, the highly looked up nation, is crumbling into dirt. Our economy is horrible, check out the gas prices. I never thought they would reach $4.00 thats like my lunch money for the week. Not really but almost! I feel for the nation, this is horrible.

On a brighter note, I attended 24`s Zumba class. It was really enjoyable and I sweat alot. I also ran two miles today. Unfortunately my ab-strength deteriorated due to lack of movitvation. I'm so lazy now a days... I think I'll go to bed now. My eye's been bugging me and they're only getting heavier with each second that passes. Goodnight.

mm senior year :]

26 more days?

So all those previous blog posts about how everything is your last. Ugh, I have to run brb.

in a rush

It seems as though everytime I'm about to post something that seems slightly odd to me, I always decide to blog at the wrong moment. So before I go off on a tangent -- this topic is about change?

The past few weeks or so I've been getting feedback from other people about the various ways I've changed. The only thing wrong with this feedback is that its inconsistent besides the all too cliche line "You've Changed."

So this takes me back to the feeling I felt over Summer which I hoped to never re-visit. Majority of the people have say that I've become meaner with time, then some say its not bad its just different. Its a trait you just have to get used to.

When speaking of this sudden "change" to a friend of mine, he/she simply responded "don't worry about it" so nonchalant. I'm not exactly sure if I should act so indifferent towards what is happening to me. I always feel like when I get so caught up in having fun I tend to lose myself along with the morals I treasured soo much throughout my years of adolecensy [if thats even a word].

I find myself slipping. A vow to never drink alcohol or even take interest in it has been broken. A vow to never do anything including drugs even if its as mild and "hookah" I broke. I'm just not understanding myself. I don't know if its because I'm curious or because I feel like its something every other high schooler should do. I'm leaning towards that reason though. I feel it is something everyone should experience just once throughout their high school career.

But that's just it. Everything thinks its something you do just once, but in all reality it isn't. Once you do it "once" it gives you the ease and what not to do it again. I mean afterall it wasn't harmful the first time, why not do it again?

So here, I guess this is yet again another turning point in my life, and to be honest, I've only had a million of these this year. I guess the transition into becoming an adult is hitting me harder than I thought. Although I may think I'm "ohhh sooo responsible" I feel like I'm regressing into becoming some immature freshman who believes that high school is all about this and all about that when really... it isn't.

I kinda miss my old self... I'm just not sure how to get me back. True change happens within people and sometimes its something you can't help. I'm not using it as an excuse but altruistically speaking -- I really don't know what I did.

All the surrounding reasons that used to seem logical two weeks ago are hardly logical not to mention insensitive. I feel like an absorbent sponge and I didn't think I was that easily influenced, but I guess I am.

I want everything back and then some, but I can't have everything I want.

I don't know what to do

hmmmph

=\

and so...

It is nearing the end of my last high school spring break. Conclusion? Great :). Starting Friday April Fourth till Today, April Twelfth! Surprisingly, we never got sick of each other. I guess that's what makes it fun, is the fact that we always enjoy each others company :]. I don't know though... well I have prom tomorrow so I better rest up! Night Nights <3

mars & venus

I firmly believe that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and we completely speak two different languages. Does it not occur to boys that when girls see other girls get asked to something, whether it be a dance or to be their girlfriend, they fuse up with jealousy! At least I do for the most part. Its only clearly evident that I would like to be treated at least somewhat special throughout my whole high school career. Once you're out of high school, there are no events to swoon your girlfriend with. You can't put up a huge sign saying "Prom?" After high school you can't have hopes that your class is jealous that your boyfriend did that for you and you can't have boys get mad at your boyfriend because all the girls are complaining that they never do those cutesy things like that.

So here I am with the rest of the unfortunate girlfriends out there. The last dance of the year, and sadly, no cutesy act what so ever. I've recently come to the realization that my most favors "act of love" is recieving gifts and acts of service. It is only obvious. That's what is wrong with me though, I don't tell him what I want him to do. I assume that he'll do it for me because I do that for him. He enjoys quality time, I enjoy surprises! He absolutely loathes service.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm whining and complaining about my relationship because its ... decent. I'm just mad at what I never get. Bah!

Well stearing clear of bitterness, I love spring break, besides being jealous.


The End.

core four

& at the end of the year all I need are a set of good friends,
luckily I've got the best.

hellooo there :D

well today was my birthday and currently still is my birthday, and i must say that this has byfar been the best birthday celebration i've had in years. tomorrow im still going to celebrate my birthday with my family and i still have my debut! its like a birthday month! hahaha. well anyways, i want to write everything that happened today because it was just so fun. i hope tonight will never erase from my memory and i dont want to take tonight for granted because it was just so fun. anyways, last night was kinda sad, then the last 30 minutes of me being seventeen erik serenaded me :) it was thuper duper cute. then he greeted my happy birthday along with many others including gen stef twin steph etcccc :D haha so i woke up in the morning and put on whateva clothes and went to escuela. sadly i was late but its okay, no use in being put down. i went looking all around campus during passing period for twin, danny voss, so i could give him his cake! he got me one too. its super b-e-a-yooteefull! haha, he said he just had to buy it. then during lunch sheena delivered these supah cute balloons for me :] and and they sung happy birthday to me in first period enrichment and also during lunch time i was really sad because i thought everyone left me on my birthday !!! GAY haha. anyways, stef told me to walk with her! and so i did and well we went to mj. jo's room because stef said she needed to pick something up and when i walked in the roomw as dark and they turned on the lights and there was a poster marissa made that said happy birthday rae :D and there were balloons and each of the guys gave me one and and then gen and stef gave me this super duper cute cake and card! and and thennnn yeah so after escuela we hung out at my house then went to go get dollar boba but we didnt, but we bumped into deejae and she bought me ice cream!!! with a candle in it and and she sang me happy birthday and it made me realllyyyy happy! then me and sean went to "CHOWNS" house and played wii for ever and it was ridiculously fun. then i thought i was going to run late and then danny bought me scratchers. oh yeah and i had to make reservations and i was like okay can i make it for 23 people can i change that to 21 then switch that to 25 oh wait can you make it 30 oh can you add one more table? oh yeah ummm hahahahaha so we went from 20-36 people! it was uber fun! anyways me and danny got these cute pizookies and i challeged him to a pizza eating contest which im totally going to win because im going to train myself to eat alot hahahahahahahahh :[ yeah right. anyways yeah and derek and brenden serenaded me and derek proposed to me hahahahah! so cute and man today was just really fun oh yeah and it was so cute because teddy showed up just cause he said he would and he didnt even eat. he just went to be there :D !!! ahhh anyways today was the best birthday ever even though erik wasnt there itsk! omgahd kjghdkfjhgljh and i loved it and i love all of my friends and i wish i could replay this whole day over again because it was only the best day ever!

babybaby...

Where did my time go? LAtely, I haven't exactly been up to date with the well... date :). Just Monday I noticed that my birthday was coming up. I hope this doesn't happen that often because I like knowing what day it is and how close it is to something so big. Think about it, 18 is a pretty big number, soon that 1 is going to turn into a 3 and that 8 is going to turn into a 5 and I'll realize that I'm OLLLLLLD! My birthday hasn't always been so pleasant, and I'm not exactly sure it will be this year either. The debut doesn't count because its not the actual day. I always have a bad time, always. I remember last year so vividly, I cried because my own family forgot it was my birthday. Usually I receive a warm hug and kiss in the morning (I know, corny and what not but I was actually looking forward to it last year) but it seemed like a regular day. I saw my sister, my mom, and my dad and not one of them said anything but "good morning." Well, I won't make a big deal out of it. For all I know, I may have the wrong date of birth printed on my birth certificate, but lets not get that skeptical!

Currently in my life, I do not have a sixth period. I thought I would look forward to it, I just feel like I have more time to waste doing nothing. Although I disliked cheer, I loved the people in it and it was the only time of the day where we actually talked. I never talk to any of the cheerleaders out of cheer [minus sheen and camille] and its I don't know. I guess we never developed some sort of kinship but hey, I have friends the end.

I have absolutely nothing to say. I watched Schindler's List in Mr. Jo's room and studied with Michael. Unfortunately, I was unable to absorb anything I studied and I'm almost 107% sure I failed yet another Chemistry Test. Screw Chem and their delta signs and what not. When will I ever need to know about a Crystalline Solid? You're correct! never.

I think I'm done. Yeah that's all. I miss Erik though.

who really cares?

It has been brought upon my attention that I have definitely matured too fast. Today we spoke of our flaws or well what have impacted us the most. What disappointed me about my life [although I promised myself I would not regret anything anymore] is that I have truly missed out on my youth. I think I spoke of this in my previous post, as well as feeling committed at such a young age. Things are great with Erik right now, but I'm not exactly sure that things are great between myself and my mental clock. I hate when I come to the realization that life could be better, should be better, and can be better if I want it to be. I should do as I please because someday when I am older, I will regret it.

Forgive me for disreguarding other people's feelings but I believe at the end of the day you have you yourself to live with, not what you put on for others to see. If you enjoy your life the way you live it, then you're living it correctly, but if you fail to enjoy life to the absolute fullest than what the hell are you doing? Throughout my whole highschool career I have stuck to one group "The Philippines" and every year I used to depress myself at the fact that the group kept shrinking in size. At the moment, I'm not exaclty sure that my group of friends share the same interest, not to mention our ability to "clique" ? I love my friends to death and hardly anything can change that even an alteration in my already screwed up head, but sometimes I really do need variety in my life. My friends used to be the only thing constant in my life, but I have also come to realize that everything in my life is constant; I call this "boring." I'm an all too pleasing child, a fairly decent friend, and a "good" girlfriend. No one enjoys drama in their life, but I wish I could just switch things up a bit and add some sort of spice.

So from now on, that is what I'm going to do. This does not mean that I'm going to steal everything in the world. This does not mean I will flirt with every boy out there. This does not mean I'm going to ditch my set of friends that have stuck by me BUT... this does however mean that:

1) I plan to enjoy life
2) do it my way
3) fuck what everyone says, I'm going to do what I want !

I'm almost eighteen meaning I should be the main commander of this whole sad depressing life. I sound like I'm about to start a revolution, in all reality, I think I would call this the start of my actual life. How great right? When highschool is about to end, I have reached the ultimate peak of my quarter life crisis. At least its not too late to have some fun. Spring break is right around the corner, and I'm currently living!

Variety In My Life...

Well in all honesty I've been so stoked to hang out with new people. I find myself looking forward to random hangouts with God knows who and what not. I love galavanting around and finding spontenous things to do. On a dim note, the debut planning is whatever... I dislike the unorganized guest list that my parents have given me to deal with as well as the minimal amount of guests I'm permitted to have just because of capacity issues. Last time I checked, it was my birthday party, not to sound spoiled or not but it truly saddens me that I'll only know about 25% of the people there. Whatever. I wonder if this is how its going to be when I'm married. Last night I spent most of my time with collegewood just because the party was somewhat dull. One day I'm going to get "shitfaced" just so I won't wonder what it feels like. I'm going to go egging/toilet papering before my highschool career is over. So yeah, I spent most of my time with Steven ahah and looking at his phone with his crazy six pack. "It still looks like that, but it could be better..." WHATEVA in my head I was just like oh man I would kill to have a six pack at least he actually has one. I need to lose weight before summer just so I can attend those swimming parties :) yay! That's all for now I guess.

mixed emotions

whoa.

Well for the past week or so I've been overwhelmed with emotions. I think its just because of my hormonal imbalance? It hasn't been predominantly melancholy emotions, more along the lines of realizations. I seem to have alot of those, but for some reason they're the same exact realizations. I think that I'm looking too forward to being out of the house that I'm not exactly realizing what the hell I'll be missing. Think about it, once I move out... no more outtings with my masha to the thrift store. No more being woken up for dumb things like helping my parents out with the computer, and although I find it quite tedious... I think its kinda cute that they need me. I won't have those deep conversations with my mother on the way to pick up my sister, and I most definitely won't be able to ask my Dad for money every week. This whole self-dependent idea kinda freaks me out. Don't get my wrong, I'm over 100% capable of taking care of myself, its just that it's finally here you know? Second semester senior and well, college is literally right down the corner.

Well, its okay. On a lighter note, I recieved a letter telling me I got $10,000 from MSMC for college. They said it may be possible that they give me $40,000 for all four years, but I don't know, I won't get my hopes up too high.

Last Friday was really cute! Erik came over with Theodore, Shoes, & a vase full of vibrant flowers. We did that whole exchanging gift ceremony whateva despite the fact that our anniversary was like two weeks ago. Whatever :). We spent the night eating cookies we baked and watching Serendipity, we also got a little napping in, it was a cute way to spend a friday night... especially after a long tiring week.

Saturday was pretty fun. I was tired though, I'm not going to lie. I woke up around 7:45... my mental clock is horrible and well yeah. I got ready and did my makeup at Gen's house. Stefanie followed and I did her hair and makeup, then Tara came and I did her makeup as well. We ate musubi and I thought to myself, I wouldn't mind being old and playing bingo with these two [Gen&Stef] :). It rained but hey it wasn't that bad... kinda. I felt super sick and Erik took care of me. He's been taking care of me and I find it extra cute... esp because he just lets me sleep on him and he feeds me and and well I could go on forever but I'll just end it at that. We ate at denny's and it was pretty satisfying. Erik's parents took me home, I felt bad but at least I knew my life was in good hands for the 5.4 miles we drove. It was already 3:15 by the time I reached my bedroom so I took a shower and knocked the eff out.

Sunday was Tara's practice and I didn't go to church. I feel pretty shitty when I don't go to church :\ but it was my sister's birthday so I guess its okay. I decorated her room and my mom and I bought her chocolates, a bear, and a balloon. I pretty much poured my heart out onto these pieces of paper and cried, but I don't think my sister thought anything of it? Well I tried... then I had these really scary thoughts about the future and I started to think of that whole missing this and that phase. The future really does freak me out... whatever.

GossipGirl is on Tonight!
bye.

A here.

hey whats up. day of formal and I opened my little eyes up at 7:15. goodmorning theodore. last night was extremely cute! erik came over with a vase full of flowers, a nike shoebox, and a build a bear. :) theodore is the cutest bear i have ever seen and my new blazers are the sickest shoes in the world! erik's blazers are pretty sick too and i want to wear his clothes, if i were a boy i totally would! i should probably continue on with putting on my make up its already 10 something and its not like time stops just for me :)! see you guys tonight. party your hearts out and dance the night away!

series of unfortunate events

I'm on the verge of overdosing and suffocating myself with a pillow till I stop breathing. Today was ridiculous, tedious, and unproductive.

I stayed at home to study for the permit test I did not take today. I went to Nowalk to pick up a birth certificate for the permit test I did not take today. I spent $17 I did not need to spend. Therefor I missed school for absolutely no reason.

My mascara is M.I.A. as well as my liquid eyeliner, not to mention my fucking head. I missed my hair appointment today, whatever. I'm fat and ugly. I don't mean to be skin deep but appearance can affect everything. I want to sleep, but I haven't finished my math homework. I also forgot to mention my missing binder with all my treasured homework assignments. All that hardwork between passing periods down the drain. I'm destined to fail.

I might as well die right now. I'm actually letting things get to me, fuck life. I'm not supposed to be sad. I guess I've lost my optimistic side, whatever, I need glasses. Antony called my program cover gay. He is right though, his honestly does count.

Well... I'm not exactly the best at writing witty posts and what not but I'm sick and I really could care less right now.